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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

  • En vie et en forme

    I am at that in-between stage of testing negative and being just about well enough to go back to school, yet still feeling run-down and exhausted. And, bizarrely, the most lingering of my Covid symptoms is that I am craving salt in all its forms. Cheese, crisps, salted nuts, even pure grains of salt twisted straight from the shaker into my mouth, whatever … just give me ALL THE SALT.

    Naturellement, Louis Catorze has decided that now is a good time to demand non-stop play.

    I found this out when he creepy-stared at me one morning, at a time when I knew that his bowl and his water were full, and I was already in his favourite room. So it couldn’t possibly be any of those things. When I couldn’t stand it anymore and shuffled around to get up, taking longer than usual on account of being slow and ill, the little sod went to the other sofa, looked underneath it, then stared at me again.

    It turned out that he’d flicked his toy under the sofa and couldn’t reach it. Of course, when I retrieved it for him, again taking an unacceptably long time, he didn’t want it anymore and, instead, wanted to play with his pink tassel on a string.

    I have pointed out the following to him:

    1. I am not well.

    2. It’s autumn, so most normal cats are calming the heck down and spending more time sleeping.

    3. He’s an old boy, so he should be calming the heck down and spending more time sleeping.

    Each point was met with a non-committal “Mwah” and he continued to play. And, like a complete idiot, I continued to engage with it.

    At least the little sod is full of energy and enjoying life. I wish I could say the same of myself.

    EDIT: Cat Daddy has now tested positive. And so the cirque de merde continues.

    Enjoying a lovely autumn sunset in true Catorzian style.

  • Les garçons

    At the weekend I had the displeasure of administering Louis Catorze’s spot-on flea treatment. Because he is such a bastard about it, I have never been able to part his fur and apply it to his skin; I tend to just fling the vial in his general direction and, if any micro-droplets happen to splash him, then it’s job done.

    I’m joking, of course, but, by the time I’m done, there is so much liquid everywhere (except on him) that I might as well have done as described. It’s a wonder the whole house hasn’t been crawling with fleas, and I consider myself relatively fortunate that they have simply used Catorze as their toilettes and then scarpered.

    Anyway, I launched a stealth attack on Le Roi whilst he was asleep, and there was the usual fight to the death before he ran and hid under the bed. I left him to it, feeling like the worst person in the world (again) but, in the time it took me to settle back down in front of the football, he had slipped silently downstairs, into the kitchen and gone to snitch to his papa. And, of course, Cat Daddy couldn’t wait to send me these:

    Oh, come ON.
    Don’t be fooled by that fake downcast look.

    When I went to give Catorze an apology cuddle half an hour or so after the tragic event, he took off outside.

    Me: “This is your fault. You’ve turned him against me.”

    Cat Daddy: “Why is it my fault? You’re the one who disturbed his nice, peaceful nap. And, anyway, I didn’t turn him against you because …”

    Me: “Because what?”

    Him: “…”

    Me: “You were going to say because he didn’t like me to start with, weren’t you?”

    Him: “…”

    Cat Daddy spent much of the evening TUC, with me having to skivvy around refilling his wine. (“I can’t turf you off my lap, Louis, can I? Not after the traumatic afternoon you’ve had.”)

    So it looks as if I have been relegated from the second to the third favourite human in the house, which is tricky in a house of just two humans, but Catorze has managed to do it. No doubt I’ll be about twelfth by the end of the year, whether or not we gain ten new housemates between now and then.

  • Les spectacles son et lumière

    This time of year is always fireworks a-go-go here in TW8, with Diwali, Hallowe’en and Guy Fawkes* Night in quick succession, although not always in that order since Diwali is moon-dependent.

    *Non-Brits, if you don’t know about Guy Fawkes, Google him. The government don’t like it when our protests are too loud (whatever “too loud” may be), yet they allow us to have loud firework parties every year to mark the anniversary of when some bloke tried to bomb them. Cat Daddy even remembers when little kids used to wheel an effigy of said bloke from door to door, before setting fire to it. I know. Our traditions are messed up.

    There are many, many web pages detailing how to protect your pets from the horrors of fireworks. These range from simple tips such as keeping them indoors, to more elaborate techniques such as playing them pre-recorded firework sounds for several days beforehand to get them used to the sound. Luckily, because Louis Catorze is such a special case and normal rules are null and void when it comes to him, we don’t need to bother doing much at all.

    In response to fireworks, we can rely upon Catorze to do any or all of the following:

    1. Purring

    2. Sleeping

    3. Screaming

    4. Moving up the stairs to get a better view

    5. Gadding about at The Back on Extended ICB

    6. Trying to escape out at The Front to flirt with marauding youths setting off firecrackers in the park

    In other words, business as usual.

    We can’t keep Sa Maj indoors; the screaming to get out would be far worse than the noise of the fireworks themselves. So, if the little sod wants to go out, we let him out (at The Back, at least; he may not be afraid of marauding youths with firecrackers, but it’s still a step too far for me). Despite being thicker than a concrete milkshake, the little sod seems to pick up very quickly on moods and tensions, especially when we are plotting to stop him from doing something that he wants to do, so any diversionary tactics would have him instantly suspicious.

    We know we are among the lucky ones that our boy is so chilled. And we hope that your furry overlords were able to get through this noisy and stressful period without too much bother.

    If Rothko did rois.

  • L’as de pique

    The Samhain demons have delivered me a belated gift: Covid! Yes, again!

    As was the case the first time I had Covid, there were signs that this wasn’t just normal winter unwellness: Louis Catorze was all over me for the few days prior to my eventual positive test. Not only did he approach me of his own accord for cuddles, but he clung onto me with his claws, wailing pathetically, when I tried to displace him. However, as a result of the utterly dreadful symptoms, I have been off sick from work, which is entirely the opposite of what the little sod wants. Since the virus led to me spending more time at home, he’s back to his “normal” self.

    Catorze doesn’t like sick people, especially when they sneeze. By this I don’t mean he is scared of sneezes but, rather, in disbelief that anyone would dare to assault his eardrums with such an offensive sound. On a couple of occasions he has tentatively settled onto my lap, only to depart when the sneeze came. And, as he left, he threw me a glowering stare and what could only be described as a wicked-witch scowl.

    I have since seen him leave his papa’s lap in exactly the same way when Cat Daddy sneezed.* And this time he came to me.

    *Oh yes: Cat Daddy is now experiencing symptoms, too. We have had to cancel a multitude of events – for most of which we had spent money on tickets – as a result. This is not great.

    Cat Daddy hasn’t tested positive yet, but it’s only a matter of time. During the torturous wait for his telltale purple lines we are playing a kind of twisted game of tennis, with one of us sneezing, propelling scowly Catorze to the other person’s lap, only for them to sneeze and return him.

    It can’t be any coincidence that the tennis term “deuce” is used to refer to both the devil, and to, erm, merde. Catorze is both. He knows it. And he doesn’t care.

    This is the look we get when we sneeze.

  • L’Heure du Diable

    Louis Catorze had an absolute cracker of a night on the 31st. Because we had quite the storm raging, he spent much of his time outside on ICB. But he did pop in occasionally to sit at the top of the stairs and creepy-stare at the trick or treaters. And, when they saw him, they decided that they would rather take their chances with the storm, and left quite hurriedly.

    Hallowe’en may be over, but my love affair with creepy things on Discovery Plus is continuing.

    One evening I couldn’t decide whether to watch murder or hauntings with Catorze, so we went for a combination of the two: Amityville Horror House. In short, it’s about a man who murders his family and then declares that ghosts in the house made him do it. The next family who move into the house then experience all manner of paranormal phenomena, although they rather asked for trouble by keeping all the murdered family’s furniture INCLUDING THE BEDS IN WHICH THEY WERE SHOT DEAD (!).

    I quote the narrator of the documentary, word for word: “According to western Christian tradition, Devil’s Hour, 3am to 4am, is the time when demons and ghosts are at their most active. Paranormal investigators theorise that the veil between the spirit world and the physical plane is pierced during Devil’s Hour.”

    It’s not just ghosts who are at their most active.

    I knew that there had to be a reason why our mutual friend chose 3am to bounce around on the bed, whine, thunder around the house and, erm, pop bubble wrap. (Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: when we first moved into Le Château this actually happened.)

    Since I took the decision to actively tackle my insomnia problem, I have stopped checking the time when I wake up in the middle of the night because, apparently, it can train your body to continue waking up at this time. But, if it’s because of Louis Catorze, I don’t need to check the time. I JUST KNOW.

    I also know from other cat households that I am by no means the only person who experiences 3am shenanigans. The little sods are all at it. Until now I had imagined The Mothership – the mysterious, invisible vessel that beams messages to them via their microchips – to be of extraterrestrial origin, but now I know that it’s straight from hell. Satan’s control tower, if you will.

    Chilling out to some goth rock.

    Anyway, Catorze isn’t done with being creepy. So please think of us when you’re dismantling your Hallowe’en displays; your spookiness is over for another year, but we live with ours permanently.

    This photo just screams “1st November”.

  • Les monstres qui rôdent autour de nous

    Louis Catorze’s party month is always busy, but this October has been rammed full of things to do and people to see. Four of those people were Family Next Door, who still have Catorze’s picture hovering creepily on their knife block and haven’t (yet) reported strange noises at night and objects being moved.

    Quieter than the real thing.

    Daughter Next Door proudly showed me a magic 8 ball that she had received for her birthday, and urged me to ask it any question requiring a yes/no answer. So I said, “Is Louis the creepiest cat in the world?” And the ball malfunctioned. MALFUNCTIONED.

    The message was just random white streaks on a background of darkness.

    Daughter Next Door: “Oh. I’ve never seen it do this before.”

    Neither of us knew quite what to say, but I am now more certain than ever that I won’t be trying out my new divination pendulum on Catorze, despite the giver daring me to do so. That thing will end up spinning like a rogue planchette during a séance with Satan.

    Because of everything that we’ve had going on, and because our pumpkins are too heavy to lift, AND because of Louis Catorze’s unbelievably annoying habit of refusing to pose for my photos, somehow I just haven’t made much progress with his Official Hallowe’en Portrait.

    Naturellement, when friends take pictures of him, he morphs into Compliant Supermodel Cat. When my friend Emily visited for our annual October spookathon weekend, she was able to capture this:

    When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam …

    Although I love the classic cuteness of this photo, no way is he this sweet and obliging in real life. A picture may well paint a thousand words but, in this case, they’re all lies.

    Then, with a few days to go until the big night, Cat Daddy managed to produce this:

    Don’t ever invite a vampire into your house. It renders you powerless.

    Ah yes. This is a far more accurate depiction. It’s like a deleted scene from Salem’s Lot which didn’t make the final cut on account of Stephen King finding it too scary, and it truly shows Catorze for the demonic hell-beast that he is.

    So, Mesdames and Messieurs, take your pick. Are you like Emily, kidding yourself that Catorze is an adorable little Hallowe’en kitty (not that I can blame her, because he always behaves for her)? Or are you living in the real world?

    Whilst I leave you mulling over that tricky decision, may I wish you all a Joyeuse Fête.

    Hallowe’en Boys’ Club.

  • Les animaux légendaires

    I am in a cryptozoological mood at the moment, and I have been getting my fix by watching In Search of Monsters on Discovery Plus.

    The Ozark Howler, also known as the Nightshade Bear and the Devil Cat (!), is said to roam the Ozark mountains in Arkansas and Missouri, and one of the experts on the show had this to say about it: “The reason why it terrifies people so much is because of its distinct howling.”

    Howling, screaming. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Cat Daddy and I feel your fear, good citizens of Arkansas and Missouri.

    An eyewitness had even succeeded in audio-recording an unearthly cry said to be that of the Ozark Howler.

    Louis Catorze slept peacefully through the howling but, as soon as he heard a squirrel scuffling around outside, his head did that velociraptor-style whiparound and he was wide awake and alert.

    We happen to have two cryptozoological curiosities in our lives so, as regards searching for monsters, we haven’t had to search very hard. One, of course, is Catorze, and the other is Gizzy the … well … the Puppy Parents claim that she is a dog, but we’re not convinced.

    Gizzy, weighing in at under 3kg, is the only living creature who is smaller than Catorze (with the exception of insects and maybe the odd hamster). At times she can sound like a dog but, equally, her ears, when alert, make her look like a bat. Her coat has the texture of a sheep’s fleece (not that I go around feeling sheep but you know what I mean) and her eyes and nose, from certain angles, can give her an angular, almost bird-like appearance. Furthermore, Puppy Mamma says that her character and mannerisms are very like those of a cat (normal cats, I mean, not Catorze).

    In conclusion, Gizzy appears to be all creatures and yet no one creature. She truly is a wonder of nature.

    Here are some pictures of her, with her big sister Nala, taken last Hallowe’en. Unfortunately in no way do these help us to figure her out and, in fact, they only leave us with further questions.

    What on earth IS she? Any ideas?

    Not a clue.
    Still no clue.

  • La matière noire

    I am trying to listen to a radio interview on my phone, but Louis Catorze is making it very difficult. Something about the interviewee’s voice (male, of course, with the rise and fall and singsong vowel sounds of a North Carolina accent) is casting a spell over the little sod, who won’t leave my phone alone. He’s nuzzling it and even trying to nip it, all the while purring and rolling and, despite my best efforts to hold onto it, he has knocked the phone out of my hand a number of times.

    Unfortunately the interviewee is the father of a notorious killer, and he is protesting his son’s innocence despite a mountain of damning evidence to the contrary (including, erm, a confession, and the fact that his vehicle was the only one caught by CCTV at the crime scene). At first I thought it rather sweet that Catorze would be naively ignorant of the content and just in love with the voice. But then I remembered that this is Catorze, and that we are in the run-up to Hallowe’en. I wouldn’t put it past him to understand it and to condone every word.

    I hate myself for wondering this, but … how would Catorze respond to the sounds of ACTUAL serial killers’ voices? (The mere fact that I’m even thinking this, never mind putting it in writing for the world to see, is terrifying.) If he were to purr and roll in response to the dulcet tones of Richard Ramirez and the like, whilst I would rather not know, a strange part of me also wants to test him out. And, of all the creepy things Le Roi has done over the years, it still wouldn’t be the worst.

    So, erm … if you have a favourite serial killer whose voice you would like me to try out on Catorze, please let me know. Mon Dieu, this is dark, even for Hallowe’en and even for him/me.

    Yikes.

  • La foudre et les éclairs ne font pas vraiment vraiment peur

    We all know that Louis Catorze, to put it mildly, isn’t quite like other cats. Gadding about outside in the rain is just one of the peculiar things that he does. However, last weekend, when we had torrential Blade-Runner-meets-Se7en rain for several hours straight, we witnessed something quite unthinkable: the little sod headed for the cat flap at the first sign of thunder and lightning.

    Cat Daddy and I both thought he was just going to look, which would have been strange enough. Mais non: he was off out.

    Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: Catorze is irresistibly drawn to the two forces of nature which scare most animals witless. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that they call to him, in the same way that The One Ring calls to the Dark Lord.

    This is weird, isn’t it?

    Cat Daddy: “He’s going out in it! HE’S GOING OUT IN IT! ****ing werewolf cat! What’s wrong with him?”

    We have been asking ourselves that question forever, and I don’t think we will ever know the answer. Here he is, communing with the elements from one of his favourite spots, not even caring about the water dripping from the table onto his rump:

    Is he hoping it’ll start raining men?

  • Fixer le regard (Partie 2)

    Louis Catorze likes the living room better than the kitchen.

    Now, I know that you’re probably thinking, “Really, did he tell you that?” Well, yes, he did. Not in words, but by approaching us when we settle down in the kitchen and creepy-staring so intensely that we eventually feel uncomfortable and just do what he wants.

    Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs, you have heard that correctly: our cat has a favourite room. And he lets us know when he wants us to go and sit in it with him. And, being the utter mugs that we are, WE ACTUALLY DO IT.

    The first time he creepy-stared to make us move rooms, I initially assumed he wanted food. But, when I got up to feed him, rather than circling my feet, screaming, then assuming the usual position under the breakfast bar stools, he took off into the living room. And, when I followed him, he was sitting on the coffee table, ready for us to assume OUR positions.

    He has now perfected his technique and we can tell the difference between a food creepy stare and a room-change creepy stare. It’s all about where he sits to deliver it. When he wants food, he either sits at our feet or sits by his bowl, staring dejectedly at its tragically empty condition. When he wants us to change rooms, he sits here and does this:

    Ok, ok, we’re coming.

    There is no doubt whatsoever that he is the king of his Château. And he knows it.

  • Le pays des bayous

    One day, Cat Daddy and I would like to go to New Orleans for Hallowe’en. The voodoo, the Frenchness and the stark differences between their lifestyle and ours make it a very intriguing place to visit.

    Until we make it over there, one of my favourite things to watch is Cajun Justice on Amazon Prime. It’s reality series that follows a Louisiana police department, which is not my usual kind of thing, but what makes it appeal to me are the folklore and the intrinsic part that it plays in the Louisiana way of life.

    Members of the community call the police for supernatural reasons such as creepy noises in the attic, as well as for regular things such as, erm, accidentally running over a wild hog and disputing ownership of the carcass. Does it belong to the person who ran it over, or to the person on whose property it landed after the collision? The gentlemen involved couldn’t agree, and they refused to share it, so, in the end, the police lady told them that neither of them could have it and that it belonged to the state.

    One day, the police were called to a dispute between neighbours who had been at war for some time; one household was “Cajun” (of local origin) and the other was “Redneck” (not of local origin) and, apparently, the two aren’t compatible.

    In this case, the Rednecks’ cat had wandered onto the Cajuns’ property and “disappeared”, the suggestion being that the Cajuns had done something nasty to it. The Cajun neighbour was denying all knowledge, and, of course, the only way to prove it either way would have been finding the cat, dead or alive.

    Police officer: “There’s a cat right there. [Points] Is that not y’all cat?”

    [Cat strolls casually across the grass without a care in the world]

    [Silence, tumbleweed, crickets]

    Redneck lady, looking mortified: “Erm … yeah.”

    [Laughter from wrongly-accused Cajun, no apology given by gun-jumping Rednecks, zero shits given by cat regarding the trouble caused]

    Louis Catorze would have an absolute ball if he were a Louisiana cat, so much so that I gave serious thought to taking him with us on our trip. This is what I think he would love about the place:

    ⁃ Searing heat

    ⁃ Abundant nutria (large, toothy rodents regarded as vermin)

    ⁃ He would be first in line to cause neighbourhood discord and waste police time (although he manages the former perfectly well here, and it’s only a matter of time before he also achieves the latter)

    ⁃ He would be worshipped by voodoo priests as some sort of holy deity

    However, the disadvantages are rather concerning:

    ⁃ Alligators

    ⁃ Snakes

    ⁃ Everyone has guns

    ⁃ He could be mistaken for a nutria by an alligator, a snake or a person with a gun

    Hmmm. Perhaps it’s just as well he doesn’t have to travel, and that the world comes to him. And that is exactly the way it should be for a Sun King.

    A nutria.
    Catorze.

  • Qu’ils mangent du gâteau (Partie 2)

    Yesterday it was my birthday. I don’t usually have a birthday cake – the last one I had was ten years ago, and the one before that was probably as a child – but I wanted one this year. And, since I can’t bake, I decided to have one made for me.

    You’d think this would be easy and that, in these difficult times, bakers would be more than happy for my business, non? Well … NON. One of the three local bakers whom I approached replied promptly and told me that she no longer made bespoke cakes (fair enough), another promised to contact me with costs but then didn’t despite me politely following up, and the third just didn’t reply at all. I messaged her on WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger, she read both messages (ah yes, the magic of modern technology and read receipts) but still didn’t reply.

    Merci à Dieu, then, for Cat Daddy. He has never baked, nor has he decorated a cake, in his life. But, when he saw my predicament, he stepped in to be my dashing knight. And this magnificent masterpiece was the result of his efforts:

    Saint Jésus et tous ses anges.

    It may be 70% sugar and 30% food colouring, but it’s the best thing in the world. Bravo to Cat Daddy for stepping out of his comfort zone to save the day, and to my sister and nieces for making the fondant features. The cake tasted as good as it looked, and the only costs to us were the ingredients, the constant questions and Unrepeatable Expletives as Cat Daddy prepared it, and black tongues for several days.

    Louis Catorze had plenty of attention over the weekend and is now recovering on his papa’s lap after all the over-stimulation. After all, he needs to conserve some mischief for the rest of the month.

    Don’t overdo it! There’s still almost half of the party month left to go.
    Take it easy, little sod.

  • Qu’ils mangent du gâteau

    Earlier this year I treated myself to a Discovery Plus subscription, with the intention of taking advantage of the cheap trial period and then cancelling before the £4.99 per month kicked in. However, after just a week or two I was hopelessly addicted, and now I have lost all intention of cancelling. In fact, I’d happily keep the subscription even if it cost £499 per month.

    One of my new favourite shows is Hallowe’en Wars, which is essentially The Great British Bake-Off except American and Hallowe’eny. I rarely bake because I don’t enjoy it, and most of the things I bake turn out awful but, dammit, I will happily judge an experienced artisan confiseur’s sugar work and remark that it looks wonky.

    However, a warning to my fellow Brits: Bake-Off it ain’t. On Hallowe’en Wars, they randomly stop the teams mid-task to announce that there’s a surprise twist. Contestants are snarky and gobby towards the judges. There is in-fighting between team members, resulting in individuals storming off in a huff, never to be seen again, and eventually being replaced by members of previously-eliminated teams. And at no point do the presenters let the losers down gently and Britishly by saying, “And, sadly, I have the horrible job of announcing who will be going home this week.” Instead, they just turn to the eliminatees and say, “You’re done”. It’s brutal.

    In one of the earlier episodes of series 1, the challenge was to create a scary animal-themed cake. I couldn’t have thought of a better premise than a cat who came back from the dead to eat its owner. And, naturellement, such a cat couldn’t possibly look any other way than this:

    Saint Jésus.
    SAINT JÉSUS.

    I know. It’s like a flash-forward into the future, when Louis Catorze is denied entry into hell for being too creepy and decides to come back to lay his vengeance upon me.

    I don’t usually eat cake but I want this one. And I bet you do, too.

  • La ferme des animaux

    As the cooler weather continues, normal cats are beginning to spend time indoors. However, the more troublesome adventurous cats among us are still fixed in summer mode and are constantly out. And, unfortunately, this means that there are rather more encounters with Foxy Loxy and his relatives than one would want.

    Some cats clearly take their guard duties very seriously. Boots, the usurper stepbrother of Louis Catorze’s frère d’âme, Antoine, happily shows the fox contingent who’s boss. And Larry the Downing Street cat, possibly the most famous cat in the United Kingdom, doesn’t hesitate to get stuck in. Although, being an employee of the Cabinet Office, it’s hard to know whether he is defending his territory (GOOD) or sharing his employers’ stance on seeing off anyone who may appear to be slightly different, even if they need help (BAD).

    As for Catorze, referring to his encounters as “encounters” is probably a bit of a reach, since foxes either don’t notice him or run away from him before an altercation can even start. Obviously this is a positive thing, although we do worry that, one day, the foxes will get hungry enough, or just plain fed up with his nonsense, and finish the little sod once and for all.

    Here are Boots and Larry in action (not together, obviously … although that would be very funny to watch):

    “Gerroff my lawn!”
    “And stay off!”
    Seeking to rapidly remove those with no right to be here.

    And here is Catorze, giving Foxy Loxy one of his trademark creepy stares and knowing that that’s enough:

    Evil lives here. (Well, not HERE because this is on next door’s territory, but you know what I mean.)

    EDIT: Don’t get too comfortable, Mesdames et Messieurs, because it appears that the foxes are fighting back. A family member’s chat-sitteur has a fox who regularly comes in through her non-Sureflap, and not long ago it left a dead rat on her bed.