L’esprit de l’escalier

When I said I hoped “something positive” would come out of this year, my Covid test was not quite what I had in mind. And I am now wondering whether Louis Catorze’s uncharacteristic tenderness towards me throughout my illness was because he knew all along that it was more than just a teacher-cold. Perhaps he is more intuitive than we realise and we should be renting him out as a Covid-detecting cat, like those dogs who can smell cancer.

I am still not 100% well, although I’m a lot better than I was a week ago. He, on the other hand, is on top form: bright, alert and full of energy, to the point where I wonder if his igloo is a secret docking station where he goes to charge up. However, it seems that he no longer wishes to nurse me through my sickness and, instead, wants to finish off the job that Covid started, because he has started hanging out on the stairs, seemingly in an attempt to kill me. As with most forms of psychological torture, it is very difficult to prove this. But, trust me, I KNOW.

Now, if lounging around on the stairs is your cat’s regular habit, annoying though it may be, you know to look out for it. However, if it happens to be a new thing that they suddenly develop after six years of never doing it at all, you don’t know to look out for it because you’ve never had to. Result: a kicked arse for your cat and serious injury for yourself.

So far, I have fallen down the stairs about 532 times. Cat Daddy has only been tripped up once, although I suspect that was a mistake and that I was the real target. And it occurred to me today that, should I die from my injuries, it would be registered as a Covid death because it happened within 28 days of a positive test result. So, provided Catorze kills me before 22nd January, HE WILL GET AWAY WITH IT.

Cat Daddy’s theory is that feeling unwell is causing Sa Maj to act out of character, which may well be true – he has been subdued at times – but attempted murder is perhaps taking things a little too far. And I find it rather objectionable that I have been singled out whereas Cat Daddy has been more or less left alone. If I’m (quite literally) taken down, he’s coming with me.

Here is KramPuss the winter demon, the Grim Reaper himself in feline form, wondering why I haven’t yet hurtled to my death and wishing I’d hurry up about it.

Thank God we’re allowed out tomorrow.

“Not feeling very well” yet well enough to try to kill me and make it look like a Covid death.

24 thoughts on “L’esprit de l’escalier

  1. Oh no! I’m not sure I understand…did the virus get you or were you exposed to someone who is/was? I hope you will recover asap with no lingering affects. I would still like to show up at your doorstep to say hello, so stay safe. (Not really sure when I could do that, but still…)

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    1. I work in a school, so no doubt I was exposed to someone who was infected despite the fact that I’m very cautious and stick to the rules rigidly. (My message here isn’t that the rules don’t work, incidentally, but WHY THE HECK SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN BUT KEEP SCHOOLS OPEN?)

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  2. Very glad to hear you’re on the mend. Our little black demon Snoodle hasn’t quite learned the fine art of nobbling her hoomans yet, but I think Ponder is trying to teach her by example as he’s nearly killed Craig by similar means a few times now. Snoodle’s best effort so far is to try and suffocate me by lying on my face in bed….

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  3. You have misjudged the situation, Madame. Sa Maj has merely enrolled you in the Catorze Royal Fitness Programme, which entails (pun intended) a balance regimen. So far, it seems, you have evinced a severe lack of coordination, which His Highness strives to correct. 🤔

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  4. Your demise would not serve him, as you are the Royal Servant. Cat Daddy is the Royal Jester, seeing as Sa Maj looks to him for entertainment vis a vis boys’ club antics. I hardly believe CD would be willing to take on your role. 😸

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  5. Before I saw the photo, I thought that Catorze might be trying to emulate his American cousins by instituting a stair toll. But no. Stair toll collectors position themselves at the bottom or the top of the stairs, or sometimes on a landing. They do NOT squinch themselves up on a middle step. You are correct–Catorze is trying to kill you. Perhaps it’s time to limit yourself to only one level of the house?

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    1. Thank you for believing me! I have a few “friends” – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE – who have taken his side and who are trying to convince me, and themselves, that he’s “simply found a new favourite spot”. 🙄

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  6. I have several indoors and also numerous places to lean and catch myself and a one-level house, but I do know what you mean. The best example was one morning as I headed out the door for a day of teaching and did a full faceplant over – whichever one I didn’t see. Outside they walk just ahead on the path and sashay very slowly. I think “7 Cats & Counting” (I am familiar with their blog too) is on the money – but maybe Catorze is only starting to develop his Stair Toll plans.

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    1. Trust me, there is no toll going on here. This is attempted murder, plain and simple! And I am alarmed at the fact that you don’t know which of yours you fell over. They’re all working together to confuse you and to make you seem a less reliable witness. 😱😱😱

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