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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Jun 2020

  • Gémir comme un chien

    Louis Catorze has a new sound. Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs, his repertoire of sounds is no longer limited to the ones mentioned here: https://louiscatorze.com/2018/11/11/je-gueule-donc-je-suis/. We can now add Le Chien Blessé to the list, and this sound is exactly as one would imagine. If you have a dog, and your dog has ever been shut…

  • La masque de la mort noire

    Good news: Brentford beat West Bromwich Albion on Friday night. Bad news: although we desperately scoured the television for a glimpse of earless Louis Catorze on the giant banner, we weren’t able to spot him. Even worse news: Brentford happened to score just as Cat Daddy was having an intimate papa-fils moment with his boy…

  • Sous la chaleur du soleil

    It is unbelievably, painfully, brain-vaporisingly hot. And Louis Catorze wants lap cuddles. But, when he settles on me, it makes him/us even hotter. So he meows disdainfully as if it were all my fault and steps off. But then he wants lap cuddles again. So he steps onto me and settles down once more. As…

  • À l’intérieur, à l’extérieur

    A couple of evenings ago, when Cat Daddy was putting out the recycling, Louis Catorze escaped out at The Front. Then he came to the window as we were watching television and stared in unflinchingly and creepily. We ignored him and carried on watching television. He continued to stare. Cat Daddy: “I’m going to have…

  • Un chat sur un maillot

    Cat Daddy and I are thrilled that the football is back. Louis Catorze would have preferred it if we were able to invite the boys* round to watch it, bien sûr, but I think even he accepts that compromised football is better than none at all. *Catorze is, however, still able to get his virtual…

  • Le vieil homme et son chat

    The summer solstice is here, the football is back, AND it’s also our wedding anniversary today. We will be celebrating at home, of course, but I know that Cat Daddy misses pubs and would far rather be there. (Remember when there were pubs?) Not long ago he was recalling one pub, in particular, that he…

  • Le bras roux

    The fur around Louis Catorze’s slowly-regrowing tattoo sleeve has turned a reddish-brown. The first time I saw it, my heart almost stopped because I thought it was sunburn, and I felt like the worst person in the world for not thinking to protect my poor boy’s bald arm from the sun. (He would have looked…

  • Ma drogue de choix

    Because I am usually at work when our cleaning lady is round, I don’t often get to see what Louis Catorze is like when she is cleaning. Most cats would run for the hills at the sight of a stranger brandishing a vacuum cleaner but, whilst he doesn’t love the sound of it, he’s not…

  • Le grand écran

    It’s almost 12 weeks since lockdown began and, merci à Dieu: NO MORE VIDEO CALLS. I’ve had to deal with a number of them for work, of course, which is fine because there’s an actual point and because there are actual new things to say, but gone are the social video calls which make me…

  • Une nouvelle brosse royale

    My hay fever symptoms started early this year – 20th May rather than the typical 1st June – and, somehow, my regular management methods didn’t seem to be as effective as they were last year. Then I discovered that I’d had the foresight to write myself a reminder last July in the Notes section of…

  • Poil par poil, toute la barbe viendra

    When quarantine began, I saw an internet meme (I hate that stupid word and am actually glad that my autocorrect changes it to the much more civilised “même”) that read, “We are three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair colour.” It’s now MONTHS since we went anywhere near a hair salon, and somehow I…

  • Le plus grand voleur de notre temps

    And, in a flash, the age-old mystery of why the living room television never works first thing in the morning has been solved. For months and months Cat Daddy blamed our cleaning lady. Then, when we entered quarantine and she stopped coming, he started to blame me for “forgetting how to switch it on” (nonsense)…

  • L’étagère du Roi Soleil

    Because Louis Catorze has been spending an awful lot of time here (see below) lately, I wondered if perhaps we should build him a little viewing shelf on the wall. According to Jackson Galaxy (in case you don’t know, he’s an expert cat freak who magically makes naughty ones behave) cats are either deep burrowers…

  • Le plastique n’est pas fantastique

    Cat Daddy and I have found it difficult to stick to our green routine during lockdown, for the following reasons: 1. Due to lack of availability, we have, at times, had to choose between food wrapped in plastic or no food at all. 2. We haven’t been able to get to the post office to…