It’s almost 12 weeks since lockdown began and, merci à Dieu: NO MORE VIDEO CALLS.

I’ve had to deal with a number of them for work, of course, which is fine because there’s an actual point and because there are actual new things to say, but gone are the social video calls which make me feel stressed and uncomfortable. People are FINALLY getting the message. And at least I have never had to endure the abyss of doom that is the Zoom dinner party, with people watching me ugly-eating on a screen. UGLY-EATING. ON A SCREEN.

Louis Catorze, on the other hand, is becoming quite the video call expert. A couple of weeks ago he marched up to my laptop and screamed at a poor kid to whom I was giving an online taster lesson, with a view to him choosing my subject for the next stage of his education. (I don’t suppose he’s massively tempted now.)

The little sod did the same thing on a NATIONAL work Zoom call with 600+ delegates, although I might have got away with that one as one of the speakers’ cats (a lovely, plushy tux) also appeared on camera and put on a longer and more visible show. So, had anyone asked about the screaming, I would have just blamed that cat.

And he did the same thing for a third time to a class of 15 students, stopping one kid mid-sentence. And, without thinking, I told Catorze to let the kid finish, then said to the kid, “Sorry about that. He talked over you, and that is unacceptable.” When the kid, who is known for dominating lessons with his long monologues, continued with what he was saying, a second kid groaned, “Nooo. Let the cat talk!”

Catorze’s favourite moments, however, are Cat Daddy’s video calls with his boozy pub mates, which continue to take place at 6pm every Friday. I imagined that, perhaps, he liked to sit next to Cat Daddy on the sofa and passively absorb all those male voices. (As you know, Catorze loves boys.) However, Cat Daddy revealed to me that, in actual fact, Catorze switches into full-on flirt mode, purring, rolling and and having his tummy rubbed. Whilst, erm, a bunch of men watch on their webcams.

I have no words for this. But maybe we should be charging money for it.

Anyway, for those of you who are interested, last week’s boozy pub chat consisted of the following topics:

1. Women.

2. The reopening of the Porsche showroom.

3. Golf.

4. Women.

5. Interest rates on savings accounts. (I had originally written just “interest rates” for this point, but Cat Daddy peered over my shoulder, tutted at my inaccuracy and made me change it.)

6. Cloudy beer.

7. The enormous relief when Simon finally fixed his WiFi problem (with some help from Johnno).