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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Jan 2023

  • Le plancher de la tuerie

    The following is a line from Anne Rice’s Interview With The Vampire: “All I need to find you, Louis, is follow the corpses of rats.” (Yes, I have quoted word for word and, yes, it really does have “Louis” in it. I didn’t just add that for effect.) Well, here at Le Château it’s the…

  • Louis, avez-vous oublié de prendre vos médicaments?

    Louis Catorze was prescribed liquid Gabapentin for pain relief after his dental surgery. The vet told us that we could either put it in his food (nope) or syringe it directly into his mouth (hahahahahaha … NOPE) whenever he looked as if he might be in pain. Since we haven’t the slightest idea how to…

  • Le beau voyou

    Louis Catorze had his dental surgery on Tuesday. He came home that evening sporting some impressive bald patches on his arms, like a prison gang leader with not one but two tattoo sleeves. And, according to Cat Daddy, Catorze lived up to that in the waiting room at check-out time, by making a dog, who…

  • Les crocs du Roi

    Louis Catorze is going to the vet today so, to cheer him up a little, we watched a vampire film called Day Shift at the weekend. As ever, he showed no reaction to the hisses of his bloodsucking counterparts, nor to the pounding rock music accompanying the fight scenes, but he did up and take…

  • Le sérum magique

    Serum: magical hair product of the gods, but woe betide you should you spill any. Spilling a small amount is bad enough because this stuff, despite being transparent, is like a thick, oily tar that repels water, detergent and cleaning apparatuses (apparati?). It perma-coats every surface that it touches, and no amount of scrubbing will…

  • Le chat qui meugle (Partie 2)

    The last time that Cat Daddy enjoyed a drunken Boys’ Club, he adapted an existing Manchester United football chant to make it about Louis Catorze, and it went as follows: “Hello, hello, we are the Louis boys. Hello, hello, we are the Louis boys. If you are a doggie fan, surrender or you die. We…

  • Nourris-moi, Maman!

    Merci à Dieu et à tous ses anges! We have renewed our subscription to the Cool Cat Club, and our order has arrived: We had a brief fallow period of a day and a half before its arrival, after Louis Catorze had finished the last pack in the taster hamper. I had nothing to give…

  • Un cadeau pour le roi des rois

    What a lucky boy Louis Catorze is. When our friends at the Cool Cat Club* found out about his Orijen predicament, their CEO – a fellow Chat Noir by the name of Morris – instructed his human subordinates to send us a pescatarian hamper full of their delicious fish variants. On the day that the…

  • Le pire diable chasse le moindre

    If it’s true that cats are master actors when it comes to hiding pain, Louis Catorze is giving us the full Day-Lewis (younger followers: ask your parents) at the moment. Somehow, in the midst of all his dental issues, he is continuing to hunt. Cat Daddy heard him gadding about in the corridor one evening.…

  • Manger, c’est la vie

    It has been a week of food-related drama here at Le Château, caused by the males in the household. Cat Daddy came home drunk the other night after going to the rugby, and he refused the pasta I was making on the basis that he was “not sober enough to appreciate it”. I stopped preparing…

  • Aimer jusqu’à la déchirure

    When you are looking for a place to sleep, and none of your existing 9,062 beds will do – why does this sound like déjà vu? – what better place to choose than, erm, a pile of papers waiting to be shredded? Before you start to panic, don’t worry: the shredder wasn’t plugged in. So…

  • Une famille de rongeurs

    It’s not often that we catch Louis Catorze doing sensible things but, every now and again, it happens. And luckily I have photographic proof, otherwise I don’t think anyone would believe me. Cat Daddy spotted him the other day at a new Rodent Duty station: underneath the bird feeder, staring intently at the spot where…

  • Le sommeil aux yeux sombres

    Legend has it that, if you go to bed early because have something important to do the next morning, a black vampire cat will appear in the dead of night and raise merry hell. And that is exactly what happened the night before my first day back at school. Going back to work in January…

  • Si on donne un poisson à un chat …

    If you are British, over a certain age and a follower of this blog, you will, no doubt, have spent New Year’s Eve exactly as we did: at home, TUC, watching the London fireworks on television and muttering things like, “What a waste of money” or “I bet Sydney’s were better”. Louis Catorze ended last…