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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: May 2023

  • Peins-les en noir

    On Saturday, Cat Daddy and I went to a fancy dress party. We dressed as goths, mainly because we, erm, already had most of the clothes. As part of our costumes we painted our nails black, something to which Cat Daddy only agreed on the basis that I had the wherewithal to remove the nail…

  • Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil

    Are you a leader or a follower? Oh, please. Le Roi is insulted that we would even ask.

  • Le Jour de Dracula

    Today is Dracula Day, which celebrates the anniversary of the publication of Bram Stoker’s iconic novel. I loved it when I read it years ago, and it remains my favourite book of all time. Louis Catorze was perfectly placed for an Official Dracula Day Portrait – sitting beneath our Count Dracula decoration – when Cat…

  • Ne plaisante pas avec mon tutu

    After tiring of waking up every morning looking as if my face had been put through a trouser press (younger followers: ask your parents), I recently bought a couple of sets of those satin pillowcases. If you haven’t seen them, they’re a bit 1980s and not the most attractive of objects, but they are supposed…

  • La grasse matinée annulée

    What does freedom mean to you? Anything but this: Cat Daddy and I were lying in bed one morning, catching up on Match of the Day. Suddenly, he put down his cup of tea and said, “Nooooo!” Me: “What’s wrong?” Him: “Didn’t you hear it?” Me: “What?” Him: “The pitter-patter.” Louis Catorze then jumped onto…

  • Où est mon chat?

    What gives you direction in life? Louis Catorze does. However, at the moment that direction seems to be “downwards”. I hardly ever see him these days. No more does he settle across my stomach and cuddle me until I fall asleep, no more is he the first person I see when I wake up, and…

  • Le monde des chats

    The thing about Catorzian misdemeanours, other than the fact that they exist, is that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to document all the stupid things that Louis Catorze does. Sometimes I am forced to post incidents that happened ages ago, under the non-committal, vague banner of “the other day” because, at the…

  • Incassable

    What’s a job you would like to do for just one day? I can’t say I would LIKE to do this. But, in some alternate universe, I’m pretty sure there was once a version of me who did the job of testing things before the king used them, to make sure they weren’t poisoned, booby-trapped…

  • Toute chose a une fin, sauf le saucisson qui en a deux

    Every now and again, Catorze does something to demonstrate that he can behave himself for a short while. That black mass on the left, on the sofa, is him napping in the living room. And that plate on top of the blue blanket contains sausages which are defrosting in the sun. Now, with most normal…

  • Le masque de l’araignée

    One night, at around 3am, I went to the kitchen for a drink of water. I often do this in complete darkness but, for reasons that I cannot fathom, on this occasion I switched on the light. And what a good thing I did, too, because I saw a spider cascading down on its string…

  • Êtes-vous contents de ne pas avoir allumé la lumière?

    Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently? Cat Daddy and I have started having guitar lessons, and we are utterly useless; after just one lesson our backs hurt, our fingers were bloodied, and we can’t imagine how we will possibly learn any actual songs…

  • La couronne triomphale

    The king’s coronation takes place today and, if you actually give a shite, you’ll know about this already. If, like us, you don’t, you’ll probably still know about it because the whole world has been hearing about little else for the last few weeks. That said, it wasn’t us who carried out this act of…

  • Le rendez-vous d’affaires

    Now that Louis Catorze is officially a teenager, he is doing what teenagers do and spending most of his time out. I barely see him these days; although he’s beside me when I wake up, as soon as he’s had his breakfast he’s off out again. Nobody knows where he goes or what he does…

  • La machine à remonter le temps

    What topics do you like to discuss? Feline bad behaviour is what I do. Jackson Galaxy (who, despite the elaborate name, is actually a cat behaviour expert and not a cult leader) would be able to make several feature-length films from the material that Louis Catorze generates. One of my favourite blogs, the brilliant Bad…