louiscatorze.com

Je crie, donc je suis

recent posts

about

Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Sep 2022

  • Le long monsieur aux longues jambes

    *WARNING: SPIDER IMAGERY AND DISCUSSION* Summer is over, and spider season is here. And there is a spider in the bathroom whom I have named, erm, Peter Crouch. He lives behind the toilet and usually keeps to himself but, every now and again, he scuttles out when I flush, as if perturbed by the noise.…

  • L’œil maudit (Partie 2)

    Autumn is here, which means it’s time to swap Louis Catorze’s spring-summer bed for his autumn-winter one. Daughter Next Door very kindly took on this task when she and her family visited the other day – she takes her Catorzian duties very seriously indeed – and, after first sniffing the bed as if it were…

  • Une demeure d’or et de pluie

    Autumn is coming, and Le Roi is getting fat. Well, not FAT fat, and certainly not as fat as the squirrel above, but he has an especially meaty, furry look about him. He has never been a cat who chubbed up much during the colder months but, maybe, now that he’s a senior gentleman*, he…

  • Les merveilles de la cire

    On Monday morning, the beautician came over for a mammoth waxing session. Not the most seemly activity for a day of sombre reflection, perhaps, but quite enough people have lost money due to events being cancelled (bar staff and so on). Monday is the beautician’s day off and our appointments are always on a Monday…

  • Dans des moments comme ceux-ci

    This fine gentleman is Mr Fu: He is friends with Louis Catorze’s frère-from-another-mère, Antoine, and Antoine’s usurper stepbrother, Boots. Well, I say “friends” but, in actual fact, they’re only friends in the same way that Catorze is friends with Cocoa the babysit cat and his sister, Chanel. It’s the humans who are friends. The cats…

  • L’œil maudit

    Nooooooo. Oh. Mon. Dieu. Wouldn’t you just know it: after the fur initially grew back to the point of almost being normal again, Louis Catorze’s evil eye bald patch is now returning. Just in time for the spooky season. At the moment it just looks like a hole. But, no doubt, it will mutate and…

  • Qui Zoom qui?

    Cat Daddy has just had a Zoom call with his fellow volunteers at the food bank. It has been a while since lockdown, so we had forgotten what a pain in the arse Louis Catorze is during Zoom calls. Unfortunately, Catorze had not forgotten. I was having dinner in the kitchen when I received a…

  • Traverser la tempête

    We had a storm a couple of nights ago. I know this not because I heard the rain, but because Louis Catorze woke me at hourly intervals, absolutely drenched, to roll the water off onto the bed, before going back outside to soak up more water and repeat the whole process. I used to joke…

  • Le spectacle doit continuer

    It was a full moon last night, as well as the start of Mercury Retrograde. And the chaos began in the morning, with an enormous rabbit lolloping through the Zone Libre and Louis Catorze, despite being half its size, trying his luck anyway. The goldfinches at the feeder did not approve of this one bit…

  • Des affaires importantes

    The Queen is no longer with us. However, it’s the same old nonsense here at Le Château as far as the King is concerned. Cat Daddy and I went out the other day, at around 4:30pm, with the intention of feeding Louis Catorze before leaving. But we completely forgot. The little sod was sound asleep…

  • La limace (Partie 2)

    Oh. Mon. Dieu. There is a huge orange slug on our garden path, all mangled and mashed with its innards leaking out. And Louis Catorze has licked it. We have no idea how it came to be in such a state. Cat Daddy accused me of stepping on it, but I know I didn’t: the…

  • Les banderoles royales

    I am very disappointed to report that my alternative “God save the king” royal bunting didn’t work out. Alas, despite paying a premium for express delivery so that it would make Le Château the talk of the street during the jubilee, it didn’t arrive on time. When it did arrive, three days late, we weren’t…

  • Les chiens renifleurs

    I am back at school and, last week, we had the usual fire safety training. (You’d think it were as simple as “Get everyone out and dial 999” but it’s much more complicated than that, and we have to renew the training every year.) One thing that absolutely blew our minds was finding out that…