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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Apr 2022

  • Notre cher ami; une chanson pour fêter les 12 ans du Roi Soleil

    So no one told us he was gonna be this wayThis cat’s a joke, and blokes Are all frightened awayIt’s like he’s always stuck in psycho gearAnd he won’t behave today, this week, this month or even this year, but …We’ll be there for himWhen the vet bills pile inWe’ll be there for himGonna bear…

  • Les douze

    Louis Catorze will be twelve years old on Saturday. This means that he will overtake Cat Daddy and become the oldest member of the household (based on cat years and their equivalent to human years). When Catorze first came to live with us, we didn’t think he would live very long because he was such…

  • La vengeance des nœuds

    Merde. We have just experienced MatGate 2.0. And, once again, the TWO mats in question were at the undesirable end of la personne royale: I don’t know whether these were new mats, or leftovers from the previous ones which I thought I’d removed but hadn’t. Either way, I have had to deploy the Dematting Rake…

  • Le brouillard

    Cat Daddy, Louis Catorze and I recently had one of our legendary vodka and horror movie nights. (We like Swedish vodka. And, when we went to Iceland, thanks to a very generous bartender who gave us a reduced-price sample, we discovered the pure joy that is Icelandic vodka. This is our new favourite and, amazingly,…

  • Une mouche noire dans mon Chardonnay

    Some things are so predictable that not only should we see them coming, but we don’t really deserve much sympathy if we don’t. One of those is Louis Catorze doing the ONE THING that we don’t want him to do. And, yet again, he has delivered. The little sod has managed to slalom his royal…

  • La folie de la lune

    We took Louis Catorze for his steroid shot just a couple of days before the full moon. And, on the night of the full moon, I kept the uppermost shutters open because I like the moonlight coming in and I find it quite relaxing. I have now paid the price for my stupidity. Firstly, having…

  • Une femme noble et son thé

    A couple of mornings ago, Louis Catorze and I settled in front of the television for our usual early morning horror extravaganza. I had prepared for being TUC by making sure I had as many important things as possible – tea, the remote control, a book and my phone – within easy reach, so that…

  • Des souvenirs dorment dans cette chevelure

    Louis Catorze had his steroid shot yesterday. There was the usual Benny Hill-style chase when putting him into his transportation pod and, as I was leaving, Cat Daddy – who was in the middle of a massive DIY session – asked me to pop into the hardware shop on the way back and buy a…

  • Un plat qui se mange froid

    Remember Kurt Zouma? Remember what he did? The British public certainly do and, given that he’s now being prosecuted AND he had the ignominy of an own goal against Spurs a few weeks ago, it seems that Lady Karma is doing her thing. However, we certainly weren’t about to pass up an opportunity when West…

  • Les crocs sont de retour

    Louis Catorze’s fangs FINALLY seem to be reappearing from wherever it was that they went. And I don’t know whether this is just wishful thinking on my part, a genuine consequence of the new way that his mouth fits together or just an illusion because I am home for the holidays and seeing more of…

  • Le poids du Roi

    Louis Catorze is an eating, screaming machine, and we can see and feel him chubbing up. Cat Daddy even saw him in the garden the other day and thought he was another cat. To mark this auspicious occasion Catorze has done the Chubbing Up Dance, which involves Cat Daddy bouncing him on his lap whilst…

  • Le chat chassé

    Every now and again, when Cat Daddy and I want to relax in front of something mindless and unchallenging, we watch Celebrity Hunted. If you haven’t seen it, celebrities team up and “disappear” in the U.K. and, the longer they can stay hidden, the more money they raise for charity. This particular series features two…

  • Louis le Comte

    You know how annoying it is when you’re messaging someone and Autocorrect changes it to “ducking”? Come on. Anyone who claims not to know this is a liar (or doesn’t have a phone). Cat Daddy has discovered a new dimension to this problem. Louis Catorze recently decided to curl up on a mattress cover which…

  • Les poils de la bête

    Merci à Dieu: the Easter holidays are here. And it looks as if I will be spending them brushing, because Louis Catorze is shedding fur. A lot of fur. His tiny body is producing more fur than I can handle, a bit like that old fable about the machine that churns out salt forever because…