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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Jul 2021

  • La carte des chats

    Earlier this month, Puppy Mamma gave me this: I know. Isn’t it brilliant? I am very lucky to have her as a friend. And, yes, someone has actually taken the time to make a map of cats! Who would do that? (In actual fact I think most of us probably would, and the only reason…

  • Du repos total

    Cat Daddy and I are spending a few days in an isolated cottage in North Wales. When we made ourselves a cup of tea on arrival we were met with this, but it did get better from then onwards: We now know the wonder of waking up to silence every morning. No screaming felines, no…

  • Le canapé en plein air

    Before we went on holiday, we took delivery of some new waterproof cushions for our outdoor sofa. (The previous ones were neither waterproof nor machine-washable, making them as unfit for purpose as can possibly be, although we did insist on washing them after the incident with the curly-haired rat: https://louiscatorze.com/2016/08/14/a-bon-chat-bon-rat/) The collection consists of sitting-on…

  • Les Journées de Liberté

    Cat Daddy and I have decided to escape for few days (to a self-catering cottage on our own, I might add, not to some virussy plague pit with lots of other people). We have arranged for a friend to to come and live with Louis Catorze during our absence and, rather than give her the…

  • Minuit dans le jardin du bien et du mal*

    *Yes, of course the “mal” is our mutual friend. Who else would it be? Louis Catorze appears to have adopted Teenage Me’s body clock: sleeping all day and partying all night. The little sod goes out at dusk and eventually rolls in between around 4am and 5am every morning. At night, The Back is transformed…

  • Londres est en flamme

    Louis Catorze does not like sitting on bare skin. He favours fluffy blankets or denim, merci for asking. He is also not a fan of, erm, the fan. It’s not the noise, but the breeze; he seems to find it quite annoying and moves away, flicking his ears and muttering obscenities under his breath, when…

  • Tenter le sort

    Cat Daddy really should know better. 10:00pm: He complains that Louis Catorze hasn’t caught any rodents or birds all year, and claims that cats who hunt are more manly than those who don’t (?). 4.39am the next day: The little sod screams repeatedly in my face (note: not in Cat Daddy’s face but in MINE)…

  • L’alpha et l’oméga (Plan B Partie 1)

    We have starting using Louis Catorze’s beauty oil 2,0 – called Coatex – and it seems to smell very slightly less pungent than the Nutramega, so hopefully this means it will make him smell less pungent, too. This time the oil inside the capsules is a runny liquid, so I have to be very careful…

  • Les pies qui chantent

    According to the creepy old magpie rhyme, seven indicates “a secret never to be told”. In this case, it’s not much of a secret: Louis Catorze is on the other side of the fence, winding them up, and they’re all cackling at him. If you zoom in, you can even see the bottom right one…

  • Le champion des poids légers

    In June we discovered that Louis Catorze was at his lowest weight ever, and we had no idea why since he was eating and drinking fine and his test results were normal. His royal physician instructed us to, erm, feed him unlimited amounts of the most expensive food on the planet and bring him back…

  • La récolte des cerises noires

    It’s no secret that cats somehow know when we are about to take them to the vet and, if they are outdoor cats, they disappear on the morning of the appointment. Even Louis Catorze knows that all he has to do is slip through the hole in the fence separating the Zone Occupée from the…

  • Bon anniversaire, Papa

    Today is Cat Daddy’s birthday, and it’s his last one as the oldest of the household. Because twelve cat years are equivalent to sixty-four human years, next year Louis Catorze is set to take over as Le Doyen du Château, which is both strange and incredibly funny. Cat Daddy is the man who has everything…

  • Les rillettes de thon blanc

    I have settled into a rather pleasant summer holiday routine, as follows: 1. Wake up when I want. 2. Bid good morning to Louis Catorze who, more often than not, is lying at my feet. 3. Make a pot of green tea. 4. Fashion a Trojan Horse amuse-bouche consisting of tuna rillettes surrounding a steroid…

  • La citrouille

    It’s a Hallowe’en miracle! (Yes, I know that it’s July, and only JUST July, at that. But it’s never too early to dream of Hallowe’en.) Just as I thought that our one and only pumpkin plant had been suffocated by Cat Daddy’s murderous potato plants, it turns out that IT LIVES. You can just about…