Le vétérinaire, c’est le bon dieu

I have been back at school for just over a week. My hands are drier than desert sand due to all the washing. None of my school shoes fit, having being abandoned since March, and I’m forced to wear them in again as if they were new shoes. The school roof leaked during lockdown, which dissolved the labels off the science chemical bottles and now nobody knows what’s what. And the top floor – regretfully, where my classroom is situated, next to the science labs – bears the stench of damp, decay and death. But, apart from that, everything has been fine.

Meanwhile at Le Château, a certain someone went for their annual booster jabs yesterday. Any pet owner will know what a joyous occasion this is.

This is how the sequence of events unfolded:

1. Woke up to find Louis Catorze lying on top of me, which is most unusual, and realised then that I had not locked Sureflap to keep him in. (Had we purchased snazzy new model with hub, this could have been done from our phones.) Lay trapped under Catorze knowing that if I so much as THOUGHT TOO HARD about locking Sureflap, little sod would read my mind and dart out before I could even blink.

2. Successfully managed to beat him downstairs and lock Sureflap.

3. Catorze couldn’t get out. Whining started. Ignored him and drank tea.

4. Bagged him up in transportation pod.

5. Set off for appointment, telling Catorze things like, “It’s going to be fine. We’ve got this.” Because whining fell silent at that point and transportation pod doesn’t look at all like an animal carrier, people in park heard/saw me and most likely thought I was talking to myself, like those motivational guru ladies who stand in front of the mirror and tell themselves “I am a warrior woman” every day.

6. Whining restarted. Although quieter than screaming, psychologically it’s much, much worse. Screaming animal = unhinged or has rabies = not your fault. Whining animal = in torment = you are an animal abuser.

7. Arrived at vet practice and handed over Catorze like a bag of heroin. (We aren’t allowed in with the animals, so we have to mask up and hand them over to another masked person as if doing a drugs drop.)

8. Whilst waiting outside, briefly imagined what vets are like when we’re not present. Wondered whether they morph into Cruella de Vil. Visualised vet brandishing massive squirty syringe and yelling at Catorze, “And this is for all those times you clawed my staff and kicked them in the face, you little shit!”

9. Vet returned bagged Roi and informed me that he had been “very well-behaved”. Unsure whether she meant “compared to most cats” or “by his own abysmally low standards”. Thought it best not to ask.

10. Walked home in silence, wondering whether vet might have swapped Catorze for a psychotic changeling. Decided that psychotic changeling would be less trouble, and kept walking.

11. Walked past about seven or eight dogs in park, who took one look at transportation pod and started barking all at once. Realised that I probably had the right cat.

12. Arrived home and Catorze had forgotten how to use Sureflap again.

This is what I brought home from the appointment. Catorze or psychotic changeling?

Yup: looks legit to me.

16 thoughts on “Le vétérinaire, c’est le bon dieu

  1. At least you got him safely to his vet appointment and back ! So THAT’S done.

    Re: the damage at your school…of course there is no money to get new (labelled) chemicals and supplies, so you teachers are on your own (speaking from experience, including years when I had to buy my own chalk). And it’s good you are all masked up, because if the mold is aspergillis niger you are all at high risk,

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I know. So, logically, Louis’ changeling would act like a normal Cat instead of a deranged psychopathic furred vampire. So the vet did NOT return a changeling.

        But what if… Oh NON… What if they cloned Catorze?!! You weren’t there–you didn’t see.


        Liked by 1 person

  2. Handed Catorze over like a bag of heroin…Vet returned bagged Roi…😂😂😂 You just know payback for that indignity is coming 🙀 Does your classroom have at least one window that opens so that the room is ventilated with fresh air? What is the school doing to remedy the mold?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup, he was in an unmarked black holdall, just like a bag of drugs. I have a big window that opens, thank goodness! And they are working on the mould although I haven’t dared inspect too closely to see exactly what it is that they’re doing …


  3. LC behaved very well at the vet! I was allowed to join Jimi inside the examination room. It’s funny to see most cats remain silent and the way back home. They seems to realise what’s going on…
    Jimi sends his regards to Louis!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I had issues with my long time vet over the passing of my last two cats so I tried a new vet for my newly adopted cat Gus. OMG! I was in heaven (if that can happen at a vet). They allowed me in with him so we had an intelligent conversation. They have better hours and there are more vets available when the one you use isn’t available. I have to take Gus again for shots and an ear check. He gets black stuff in one ear so I’m hoping it’s not mites as that would require treating everyone. Yikes! All my cats sing the song of their people for the entire trip over but are very quiet on the way back hoping they are going back “home” instead of getting dropped off at a rescue (sometimes I threaten that if they are naughty). There is no denying those fangs on that picture. Only my Gracie has fangs you can see and only a tiny bit. Nothing like Louis.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We are very lucky indeed with our vet. They know Catorze very well and they genuinely seem to love him. (I guess someone has to!)

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Usually this is part of the psychological torture – making others disbelieve stories of his bad behaviour – but the vet knows the truth!

      Liked by 1 person

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