Ils glissent dans les rues pendant que tout le monde dort

May 14, 2021May 12, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 20 Comments

Louis Catorze’s friend Donnie has been over again, several times, screaming his lungs out. Catorze was eating on one particular occasion, but took a break from his precious Orijen to go out and greet him.

And, would you believe, Donnie has allowed me close enough to read his tag, which bears a very fancy full name plus a phone number and address. It’s hard to tell whether the name is that of the human or the cat, so for the moment I shall continue to call him Donnie. But I know exactly where his house is: all the way across the Zone Libre and not far from the pub.

It’s quite some way to be coming to see Sa Maj, and I am not sure quite what Donnie gets out of the arrangement since the two of them just sit and stare at each other. (Cat Daddy: “Is that what passes for fun in the cat world?”) However, Donnie was very glad of the Catorzian back-up when beefy tabby Tigger* rocked up the other day and interrupted the proceedings. Sa Maj, despite being half the size of Tigger, did the gentlemanly thing and saw him off whilst poor Donnie cowered, terrified, in the bushes. Cat Daddy was prouder than you can possibly imagine.

*Catorze and Tigger have met a couple of times and have always got along fine: https://louiscatorze.com/2017/05/04/le-roi-attire-tous-les-garcons-a-la-cour/ But, obviously, on this most recent occasion, three was a crowd, a bit like when you’re hanging out with your new bloke and then your ex shows up.

I am unsure whether Donnie still has his full lower portions or whether what I can see is, erm, just the empty purses after tipping out the loose change. But I don’t know how I can find out for sure, without either carrying out closer inspection of his rear end or going to his house and saying, “Good day! Can you spare a minute to talk about cats’ balls?”

Donnie now knows that the cat flap is there but still hasn’t come through, choosing to sit outside and scream for his copain instead. However, every day that goes by is a day closer to him figuring it out, and after that we will be truly sunk. I really, really need Raf the builder to come to our rescue.

Des chats par millions

May 12, 2021May 10, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 15 Comments

When we first moved to Le Château, Louis Catorze struck up a friendship with a stray Ginger Impinger – now called Dosti – who would visit most days. Since then we’ve had very occasional sightings of Blue the Smoke Bengal and beefy tabby Tigger, and, of course, the more recent visits from Donnie, but, apart from that, feline passers-by over the years have been rare.

Cat Daddy says that this is because nobody wants to be Catorze’s friend but, knowing the trouble that others have with neighbouring cats and local strays, I’m happy for him to remain relatively friendless.

Meanwhile, at my sister’s place in SE20, Catorze’s cat-cousin King Ghidorah is never short of playmates. Some encounters aren’t quite as welcome as others – for instance, my sister once found bloodied cat paw prints (owner unknown) on the kitchen floor – but King Ghidorah mostly enjoys the company. He is a sociable cat but there are a few with whom he just doesn’t get along, and he doesn’t always mind his own business which has resulted in some hefty vet bills.

Some of the lady visitors have indicated that they would like to get to know King Ghidorah a little better. This one was his favourite:

Obviously King Ghidorah doesn’t have the wherewithal to become, erm, fully acquainted but, given that there is at least one unneutered feral male of whom we are aware, it was only a matter of time until someone obliged. It then became apparent that there could soon be an enormous feral colony living behind the house so, with the help of a local rescue, my sister is now on a mission to trap as many of the cats as possible.

Initial attempts didn’t quite go according to plan:

However, eventually she succeeded with King Ghidorah’s girlfriend. Here she is, ready to be shipped off to the rescue for spaying, chipping, treatment of her dodgy eye and a new life in a lovely new home:

She and King Ghidorah said their goodbyes at length, making sweet little noises at each other:

So that’s one down and probably about 738 to go, but my sister is determined. And the rejected food from Catorze’s numerous failed Grand Changement Plans will be put to good use there, making them the best-fed ferals in SE20, if not in the whole world.

Le Grand Changement de Nourriture (Plan C Partie 2)

May 10, 2021May 9, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 8 Comments

After several days of stuffing his greedy little face with Orijen Six Fish, Louis Catorze’s appetite faded as soon as I placed an order for a further supply. (Lizzi, if you’re reading this, I know you told me so.)

The order took a couple of attempts to go through, as if the Apple Gods were trying to warn me. But, luckily, the unhungriness was only a temporary blip and he is now back to being an eating, screaming machine, as he was when he had the appetite-enhancing pill.

Cat Daddy’s Helpful Comment of the Day: “F***ing ridiculous. Expensive food and beauty oil [referring to the Omega 3 vol-au-vents]. It’s like living in a fancy spa with Raymond Blanc cooking for him.”

Cat Daddy and I, on the other hand, are existing on stale bread and stagnant rainwater in order to keep Sa Maj supplied with his various dietary and wellbeing paraphernalia. But then it’s never been about us, so tant pis.

We have half a pack of Lily’s Kitchen Marvellously Mature left, and Catorze appears to have forgotten that it ever existed, which is exactly what we want; continuing to give it to him would be rather like continuing to give him heroin despite successfully getting him onto methadone. We have found a new home for it, though: later this month, along with the 1.5kg of Thrive and the 862kg of Canagan, the Marvellously Mature will be making its way to some hungry kitties in SE20 (more about them next time).

Here is the little sod, waving goodbye to his old food and hoping that the recipients enjoy it:

Journal d’une Chatière (Partie 5)

May 8, 2021May 7, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 15 Comments

Merde, merde and thrice merde: I gave the Sureflap a good clean the weekend before Louis Catorze’s birthday and even programmed it to re-memorise him, but it’s still been failing to let him in when needed. When I sat by the door and observed the latch as Catorze tried to pass through, I noticed that it wasn’t moving.

Me: “So there definitely is a problem with the Sureflap. And all this time you thought it was just him being a shite.”

Cat Daddy, without looking up from his phone: “He is a shite, though.”

Good point, well made.

Anyway, we have a new Sureflap, but Raf the builder glued in the existing one so firmly that we can’t get it out. So we’ve messaged him and asked him to provide a quote for fitting the new one, and we hope he is able to respond before Donnie figures out that he can follow his cher ami through.

Incidentally, Cat Daddy has now started calling him Donnie, too. Sometimes he forgets and calls him Danny, but that also works. (Younger followers: ask your mums.)

*Danny, Donnie, whatever. Ça marche. (Taken from Pinterest.)*

So now we have to wait to hear from Raf the builder, and we fear that it might take some time. Will Donnie beat him to it?

Le Grand Changement de Nourriture (Plan C Partie 1)

May 6, 2021May 4, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 23 Comments

When Louis Catorze decided that he didn’t want to eat Canagan anymore, despite the fact that he’d eaten it perfectly happily for TWO WHOLE WEEKS BEFOREHAND, Cat Daddy and I decided it was time to deploy the Orijen. This was not a decision that we took lightly, given that it would send us spiralling into debt*, but we didn’t know what else to do.

*Here is a comparison, using a dry food pack of around 1.5-1.8kg as a guide:

⁃ Supermarket or commercial brands: approx. £2-3 per kg

⁃ Mid-range but still perfectly decent brands: approx. £7-10 per kg

⁃ Posh brands: approx. £12 per kg

⁃ Orijen Six Fish: £16.66 per kg, +£2 for the Regional Red (red meat) variant, +£4 for the Tundra (game) variant

I could get better value from the massive 5.4kg pack but we don’t have room to store it, and I refuse to buy a bag of cat food that weighs more than my cat. Plus, if anything were to GUARANTEE our mutual friend ceasing to like it, it would be the purchase of a huge pack costing this much:

Anyway … very tentatively, we gave Catorze a dessertspoonful of Orijen without his old food, and we barely drew breath as he approached it.

SAINT JÉSUS: HE ATE IT.

Then he ate another portion. Then he ate two more normal-sized portions. And when Cat Daddy came home from the pub later, Catorze did such a screamy, starey number on him that he drunk-served him a fifth – and most likely enormous – portion.

Cat Daddy’s Helpful Comment of the Day, sent by drunken text that night: “I told you he knew there was better food around. He’s just polished off a whole bowl like some craved [sic] animal who’s never eaten before.”

Be warned, Chat Noir owners: their power is growing. We thought it only happened in October, but it’s started early. Until now, never would I have believed in mind control so intense that it could compel me to buy the most expensive cat food in existence, to pray for said Chat Noir to love it AND to feel pure joy when he did. Catorze is Charles Manson in feline form.

Mind you, by that point I was so worn down by this whole sorry saga that I would have been grateful if he’d eaten asbestos and drain unblocker. And they would have been cheaper.

Aucune limite à son pouvoir

May 4, 2021May 3, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 22 Comments

I have bought myself an electric bike, nicknamed the Millennial Falcon, and it’s the best thing ever.

Since most of my possible routes into work are now blocked off with those massive plant troughs in the middle of the road, I needed an alternative to the car. My commute is now fifteen minutes each way, as opposed to anything from twenty minutes to an hour by car.

I am quite a wobbly, nervous cyclist, so Cat Daddy has arranged for his friend Gerard – a qualified cycling coach – to give me some lessons. Gerard is very nice but I don’t really want lessons because I hate people looking at me when I cycle. I always make sure I get to school long before the kids, and leave after them, for this very reason. But Cat Daddy has gone ahead and booked the lessons anyway, so I don’t have a choice.

Cat Daddy’s Helpful Comment of the Day: “It’ll be fine*. Gerard does this for a living, and he will have seen plenty of people who are as bad as you.”

Me: “…”

Him: “Well, ok, maybe not QUITE as bad as you.”

Me: “…”

Him: “Anyway, he likes a challenge.”

*Non-Brits: when a British person says “It’ll be fine”, you should be very concerned indeed. If they say “I’m sure it’ll be fine”, expect the apocalypse.

When I used to drive home from work, Louis Catorze would always be aware of my arrival long before Cat Daddy heard me, and I imagined this to be because he knew the sound of the car. After switching to the bike, I didn’t think this would happen anymore, since nobody really talks about cats knowing the sound of bikes, nor am I even sure if my bike has a sound as such. But perhaps I had underestimated the little sod and his creepy kitty sixth sense because, when I arrive home, he never fails to greet me at the door. (Unless Boys’ Club is in full swing, in which case he doesn’t bother.)

Here he is, pictured mid-shake and, therefore, not looking too brilliant. But at least the Millennial Falcon looks good.

Où qu’on se trouve, on reste à jamais français à l’âme

May 2, 2021May 1, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 12 Comments

Thank you to everyone who kindly sent birthday wishes to Louis Catorze. He had a marvellous day. I even broke my 3-month dryness to partake in a Louis XIV cocktail*, but I am now back to teetotal ways to see if I can manage another month.

*I’m not joking. The recipe is here if you’d like to try: https://ttliquor.co.uk/how-to/make-a-louis-xiv-cocktail-recipe/

*An actual photograph of Le Roi on his special day. (Thank you, Cathie and Scott, for his card!)*

In other, shocking news, the little sod has eaten a piece of the Reflets de France tuna rillettes that I dropped onto the floor, after spending several minutes going CRAZY wondering where the appetising smell was coming from. And, when I gave him another tiny scraping to see if the first time had been an accident/a fluke/a figment of my imagination, he ate that, too.

Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: the cat who doesn’t like food has consumed food. I wish it could have been his own food, rather than MY food, but tant pis. And I have offered Sa Maj actual tuna in the past, which has been promptly rejected, yet it seems he’s happy to eat it in Frenchified form, proving that you can take the Sun King out of France, but you can’t take France out of the Sun King.

Cat Daddy’s Helpful Comment of the Day: “You shouldn’t have done that. Now he won’t eat ANY OTHER FOOD, EVER AGAIN.” Erm, I think that ship has very much left the port, but your comment has been noted.

Anyway, since tuna rillettes have been rarer than golden goose eggs since Brexit stuffed things up, i am down to my last few jars and I have no idea when I will be able to reorder. So I don’t especially want to share at the moment, especially not with this ungrateful, entitled little sod, not even on his birthday weekend.

Here is Sa Maj, hoping I might change my mind:

Louis, be good; une chanson pour fêter les 11 ans du Roi Soleil

Apr 30, 2021Apr 24, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 45 Comments

Deep down in sunny Brentford to the north of Kew
Not far from the M4 and the B452
There stands a fine Château made of brick and wood
Where lives a small black cat who’s up to no good
He always does the opposite of what we say
We tell him “No” but then he does it anyway

No, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
Louis, be good!

This kitty’s super-creepy; he’s got vampire teeth
The canines are much bigger than the ones beneath
He goes to other gardens and he raises hell
Annoying all the foxes and the squirrels as well
He is a total psycho and a massive pain
That’s why you’ll hear us yelling this again and again

No, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
Louis, be good!

Cat Daddy tells him “Someday I will kick your arse
Unless you start behaving with a bit more class”
Yet many people visit him from miles around 
They get here just by following the screaming sound
Maybe someday, instead of being a shite
He’ll say "I will be good tonight"


No, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
No, Louis, no, no!
Louis, be good!

À mi-chemin vers l’Halloween

Apr 28, 2021Apr 27, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 8 Comments

Louis Catorze will be 11 years old on Friday. An 11th birthday doesn’t have quite the same satisfying roundness as a 10th birthday, but nevertheless it’s a big deal.

If 30th April were truly the day that he was born, Catorze would be a Taurus. I don’t believe in star signs, but I still enjoy reading about them and giggling at the disparity between what I am and what I’m supposed to be. I am a Libra, and we are said to be obsessed with physical appearance (nope), adept in social situations (hell, nope) and lovers of high art and intellectualism (I don’t think anyone has ever accused Le Blog of being either of those).

That said, Cat Daddy is a Cancer, which makes him moody and high-maintenance. Ahem.

Anyway, I have a book called “The Enchanted Cat” (https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-enchanted-cat/ellen-dugan/9780738707693) which a friend sent to me years ago. Now, please hear me out. This is what it says about the Taurus cat:

⁃ Laid-back and peaceful: nope and nope

⁃ Shy with strangers: HELL, nope

⁃ Upset by change: depends what it is, e.g. us going on holiday and leaving him with a chat-sitteur for two weeks = not a big deal and actually great fun, whereas a new food bowl = Armageddon

⁃ Loyal and generous: nope and nope

⁃ A hearty appetite: nope

⁃ Has one favoured sleeping spot: nope

However, the Gemini cat is, apparently, as follows:

⁃ Very social: check

⁃ Demands attention and loves being spoken to: check and check

⁃ Kittenish behaviour throughout their life: check

⁃ Very vocal, with quite the repertoire of sounds: HELL, check

⁃ Loves to keep its humans on their toes: no further questions, Your Honour

Assuming this to be correct, and I realise that it’s a bit of a reach, it seems far more likely that Catorze is a Gemini (21st May to 21st June).

That said, 30th April – Beltane Eve – marks the halfway point to Hallowe’en and this date is still historically associated with magic, witches and otherworldly creepiness (see link: https://halloweendailynews.com/2017/04/walpurgis-night-halfway-to-halloween/ ). A 31st October birthday would, perhaps, be more fitting for a black cat with vampire teeth, but the second creepiest date on the calendar happens to be the date given on his paperwork, so it will do nicely.

*The dark gatekeeper to the Zone Libre says “Non” to whatever it is that you’re asking.*

La mort du Plan B

Apr 26, 2021Apr 25, 2021 ~ iamthesunking ~ 50 Comments

Le Grand Changement’s twists and turns are more dramatic than an episode of Line of Duty, and I cannot believe I am having to write this.

After a thoroughly successful Grand Changement (or so I stupidly thought), Louis Catorze has decided that he no longer wants to eat Canagan. And, naturellement, he made this decision AFTER we subscribed to six-weekly deliveries of Canagan at £35 a pop, the first of which is already here.

We initially put this down to temporary Summer Unhungries, but then he did the same thing again the following day. And, at the end of that second day, when I finally gave into the screaming and served a portion of his old food, he ate it.

This is worse than having the opposition score a 94th-minute winner in football. This is more like having them score long after the full-time whistle and the referee deciding to allow it.

Whilst it probably sounds comical that he’s so contrary, the reality of a cat who chooses starvation over new food is hugely stressful. We are utterly dismayed and mystified by this/him. We did not deviate from the instructions in the slightest – apart from using just one bowl when we saw how much the little sod was perturbed by two bowls, and apart from that one time early into the programme when Cat Daddy drunk-fed him Canagan on its own, WHICH HE ATE. So we can’t understand why this hasn’t worked.

Cat Daddy’s Helpful Comment of the Day: “Maybe he knows you’ve got more expensive food [the Plan C Orijen] for him, and he’s holding out for that?”

Me: “Sorry … what?”

Cat Daddy: “Maybe he’s just sensing it from you. Maybe you’re giving off vibes.”

Me: “Giving off … BETTER FOOD VIBES?”

Cat Daddy: “Yes. I mean, wouldn’t you do the same thing? Wouldn’t you stop eating boring old cod roe if you knew someone was hoarding caviar?”

[Silence, tumbleweed, crickets.]

We have no option but to unleash the money-vaporising, poverty-trapping weapon of mass destruction that is Orijen. And we are giving serious consideration to serving it alone, without the Lily’s Kitchen; it seems to be that, if Catorze can still see and smell his old food in the bowl, he will eat whatever is with it … but when the old food is taken away, however snail-slow the transition, he’s no longer interested. So we may bin the gradual changeover and find a food that he likes enough to eat on its own.

This defies all advice out there, due to the risk of puking and stomach upsets. But, let’s face it: dutifully following advice to the letter has achieved nothing so far.

jesuisleroisoleil

Je gratte, donc je suis

pets