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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: May 2022

  • Aider les gens à se sentir mieux

    Louis Catorze’s post-steroid screaming is just beyond a joke. Yesterday morning I had to get up at 5:50 (!) to give Cat Daddy a lift to the starting point of his charity cycling event*. I often struggle to sleep anyway but, when I know I have to get up early the next morning, I never…

  • Tout est bien qui finit bien

    We took Louis Catorze to the vet yesterday afternoon. Naturellement, when we tried to locate him half an hour before the appointment time, we found him right in the centre of some dense, inaccessible shrubbery in the garden, with the chances of a painless extraction being slim-to-zéro. We then resorted to our not-so-secret weapon: sending…

  • Le petit déjeuner au lit

    Three days after our friends’ visit, Louis Catorze’s dandruff miraculously vanished. His fur is now glossy and beautiful, without a single pesky white flake in sight. Although I cannot prove it, I know he has done this on purpose. My friend Lizzi: “I told you he’d do this! But he’s pulled it off even sooner…

  • Les pellicules infernales

    We have had quite the weekend at Le Château, with the following events taking place: 1. End-of-the-football-season festivities (although Louis Catorze doesn’t regard this as a celebratory moment as it means fewer men will be visiting us for the next eleven weeks). 2. The Black Cats won the League One play-off finals and will be…

  • Un trou dans le noir

    Just as I was starting to think Louis Catorze didn’t have QUITE enough things wrong with him, the little sod decided to develop this inexplicable bald patch: For a while I ignored it, thinking perhaps I just hadn’t beaten the oatmeal out of him properly. But he is fastidiously clean, and there is no way…

  • Le livre rose

    Sometimes you have to ask the question, even if you already know the answer. This is one of those times. I snapped up the very last copy of this book from Amazon and, once again, I forgot that the order notifications go through to Cat Daddy’s phone. The conversation that ensued was quite interesting, but…

  • Franchir le temps

    It’s a full moon and, once again, Louis Catorze’s energy is through the roof, so much so that Cat Daddy has had to kick him out at The Front a couple of times, just to get some peace. Don’t worry, we always remember to retrieve him again (eventually), usually when his screaming becomes embarrassing. We…

  • La farine d’avoine

    Louis Catorze’s dandruff has been deteriorating, and I noticed that it looked especially bad just before a friend was due to visit. We couldn’t have him looking scaly and gross in front of visitors so I tried to brush it out, but each brush stroke seemed to just dredge up more crud. I then decided…

  • L’épice effrayante

    A few nights ago I prepared some fish with a potent herb, spice and salt rub, then I washed my hands and went to cuddle Louis Catorze. With hindsight, I should probably have done those tasks the other way around – maintaining the hand wash in between, naturellement – because my hands clearly still smelled…

  • Le salon de coiffure

    What the flamin’ flip is all this? More mats, that’s what. They are materialising from nowhere, like crop circles. It’s almost as if simply being touched by a matty hair is enough to mattify a previously-normal hair, a bit like turning into a zombie when another zombie bites you. The largest of the three mats…

  • Les pèlerins sont de retour

    Me: “So … [our new neighbours next door] have a guest coming for the weekend, and they’d like to know if they can bring her over to meet Louis?” Cat Daddy: “…” Me: “Did you hear what I said?” Him: “…” Me: “…” Him: “Are we some sort of tourist attraction now, or something?” Me:…

  • Les herbes folles

    Oh. Mon. Dieu. I have just found this among our condiments in the kitchen: This is the sachet of catnip that came free with Louis Catorze’s spring-summer bed. And the fact that I found it where I did suggests that a member of our household has been using it in our food. Now, when someone…

  • Fixer le regard

    A couple of days ago, Cat Daddy and I spent the afternoon in separate rooms watching different television programmes; I didn’t want to watch whatever dull sports thing he was watching and he didn’t want to watch gruesome documentaries about serial killers. Naturellement Louis Catorze chose to sit in the kitchen with his papa but,…

  • Les invités d’honneur

    Louis Catorze had a magnificent birthday weekend and marked it as follows: 1. Stole a hair band from a guest’s bedroom whilst she slept, then rampaged around the house with it during the early hours, eventually dropping it downstairs in the living room. 2. Indulged in some herbal edibles. 3. Had some mystery fun with…