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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Jan 2022

  • Le costaud évasif

    Back in May last year, I posted about my sister in SE20 who is trying to trap some feral cats who live near her house. She is soldiering on in her mission, but we are all worried about one particular black cat, known in the neighbourhood as Chunky (for obvious reasons). The poor boy needs…

  • Le mal résident

    There is a new némésis in town, and Louis Catorze is not pleased about this at all. I know: when you’ve pissed off almost every animal you’ve ever met, the last thing you need is another enemy, right? But our mutual friend has, for whatever reason, decided that adding one more to his portfolio would…

  • Cent façons d’embêter son papa

    Last week Nick Ferrari on LBC (a U.K. radio station) had a phone-in with the question “How many cats is too many?” and Cat Daddy gave serious thought to calling in and saying “One”. No doubt the call would have been punctuated by ear-splitting screaming from a certain individual, proving Cat Daddy’s point. Oui, Mesdames…

  • Posez des questions

    At school last week we had a training day, and the theme was “Effective Questioning”. Each of us had to go along to the session with three examples of ways in which we regularly question students in class, although I don’t know what my colleagues made of my choices (“WTF?” “Are you kidding me?” “The…

  • Le réveil-matin (Partie 2)

    Every now and again, Louis Catorze wakes me up some time before my alarm goes off. This annoys the hell out of me, but shutting him out of the bedroom would result in him screaming and scratching at the door like an angry poltergeist, which would be considerably worse. We have known for some time…

  • Le dernier repas

    It’s all kicking off here in the U.K. and we Brits are the laughing stock of the world. Again. During lockdown, when we weren’t supposed to be seeing more than one person outdoors, parties took place at the Prime Minister’s residence. The person hosting the parties initially denied that there were parties, and has now…

  • Comme un esclave dans un état totalitaire

    Whilst the rest of us have had to deal with all manner of shortages on the supermarket shelves, the squirrels are just fine and dandy, merci for asking. It’s the middle of winter and food is supposed to be scarce, yet they are, inexplicably, looking plump and meaty. This is not just a generic squirrel…

  • Le génie du jean, il crie et il hurle

    Louis Catorze really is determined to try my patience at the moment. Here he is, happily settled on my new jeans, so new that I had only unwrapped them from their packaging a few seconds beforehand. The piece of paper behind him is the invoice that came in the parcel with the jeans. I hadn’t…

  • Se faire posséder par une sirène

    It’s turning out to be quite an eventful week at Le Château, with one member of the household suddenly and inexplicably growing a fish tail. I expect you can guess which individual that was. Responses from others have been as follows: A friend: “Haha! Coincidentally I am watching Splash right now!” My niece, aged six:…

  • Dérouler le tapis rouge

    Cat Daddy: “The red carpet in the living room looks awful. I can’t believe it’s worn down so quickly.” Me: “Erm, it didn’t wear down.” Him: “What do you mean?” Me: “…” Him: “What happened to it, then, if it didn’t wear down?” Me: “…” Him: “Oh my God. Please don’t tell me it was…

  • L’instructeur de forage

    Cat Daddy and I have returned our rented Yule tree, having ticked the box stating that we’d like to rent the same one again next year. (I don’t know how on earth they would organise this as it sounds like a massive headache but, apparently, this is a thing.) I have grown rather fond of…

  • Le repos du Roi

    Louis Catorze and I have been enjoying some lap time during the holidays. However, as always, when Cat Daddy sits down with us, the little sod climbs off my lap and onto his. There was a time when he used to wait a minute or two before departing, just to be polite, but now he…

  • Bouillir, servir, manger, recommencer

    Bonne Année! Hope you had a wonderful New Year’s Eve. The dawn of 2021 saw us messing about with Louis Catorze’s food, hand-sifting the golden pellets from the brown ones like sweat shop workers. We are starting 2022 in a similar way but, this time, instead of sifting, we are pouring boiling water over minuscule…