We are just a couple of days into Cat Daddy’s retirement, and already I’ve had it with the males in this household.

It’s bad enough that Boys’ Club seems to have taken a darker turn and gone underground – and by this I mean Catorze purring and cuddling with Cat Daddy when I am not around, then disappearing if I try to join in the fun and eventually reappearing and picking up from where he left off if I go away again. But now they are both colluding to ruin my film-watching time, and this is utterly unforgivable.

I have known for some time never to watch a film with Cat Daddy if he’s seen it before but I haven’t, because he ruins every minute by saying things like, “Ooh, this bit’s really good!” or by providing some inane, plot-spoiling commentary. However, I now also know never to watch a film with him if neither of us has seen it but it’s based on a true story that he knows but I don’t. (In fact, this is exactly the same thing as the first scenario, so I should really have figured this out long ago.)

Last night we watched that film about those two racing drivers who didn’t get along, then one of them was hurt in an accident and the other one felt bad. Cat Daddy drove me mad with rage by randomly dropping in pieces of Formula 1 trivia and telling me who was going to win/crash/die next. In the end I stopped the film halfway through.

Me: “Right. Have you finished? Because I’m not starting the film again until you stop talking. If you have anything more to say about Formula 1, say it now and get it over with.”
Cat Daddy: “I was only trying to give some context.”
Me: “I don’t want to hear the context right now. I just want to watch the film. You can tell me the context afterwards.”
Cat Daddy: “Ok. Sorry.”
Me: “I’m serious. No more talking.”

[I pick up the remote to restart the film]

Catorze, jumping onto my lap: “Mwahhhh!”
Cat Daddy: “Bwahahahaha! Just as you say “No more talking”, HE pipes up!”
Me: “BE QUIET.”

[Catorze sticks his tail and arse in my face and blocks the screen]

Me: “Move!”

[Catorze moves, but only to turn his body the other way around so now I have the other side of his tail and arse blocking the screen]

Catorze: “MWAAAAAHHHH!”
Cat Daddy: “You see? Louis appreciates the context.”

And so on, and so on, until what would have been an excellent cinematic experience – and which might even have made me like Formula 1 – had it not been for their stupid interruptions, finally limped to an end.

Mesdames et Messieurs, this sort of thing is no longer just an isolated, silly incident in my life. This is now my actual life.