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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

  • Le chat qui meugle

    Louis Catorze has a new sound. He already has an impressive catalogue of sounds in addition to his default scream – I have started to call it “default” rather than “normal” for obvious reasons – and we thought he was too old to be coming up with new ones. As ever, he has done something other than what was expected.

    I have only heard this sound once, and it came completely by surprise so I was unable to capture it on audio. The best way of describing it is, erm … a moo.

    I know. I KNOW.

    The moo came at the end of a long succession of screams, delivered to try and bully Cat Daddy into cuddling him, but Cat Daddy was busy doing other things. The more he ignored, the more Catorze persisted until, eventually, he resorted to the moo, which stopped us all in our tracks.

    Cat Daddy: “What kind of sound was THAT?”

    Me: “…”

    Catorze: “…” (Yes, the noise even surprised him.)

    The default screaming then resumed.

    I know that the chances of even hearing the moo again, let alone collecting evidence, are more remote than the dark side of Pluto. But maybe one day I will be lucky, no doubt when I am trying to record something else and really don’t want his interference at all.

    Me: [Starts recording]. Him: [Le silence total].

  • Préparer Noël, Préparer Noël

    You know that part in Tim Burton’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas” when the kids’ presents turn into hideous, nightmarish monsters?

    Yeah, well:

    “Boys and men of ever-y age, do you want to see something strange?”

    Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: Louis Catorze has claimed, as his new bed, my nieces’ and nephews’ presents bag. Luckily each item is individually bagged, keeping them safe from the horrors of cat hair, flea poo and whatever else (I daren’t even think too hard about it). But that’s not the point. He has 9,062 other beds. He doesn’t need more beds. And he certainly doesn’t need something that was never designed to be a bed, as his bed.

    Part of me has a good mind to wrap him up and send him along with the other parcels. But that would be too cruel, even to the ones who have been naughty (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE).

    It’s a good thing we are happy to have him as our gift this festive season. I guess someone has to.

  • La nouvelle recrue

    Football tournaments are usually a big thing in this household, but I haven’t felt inclined to throw myself into the Qatar World Cup in quite the same way that I have for other tournaments.

    However, I have just found out that England defenders Kyle Walker and John Stones have decided to adopt the stray cat who appeared at the England training ground in Qatar. The cat has been named Dave and, at the time of writing this, he is undergoing his medical in preparation for his transfer to Manchester City (read more about it here).

    Initially, the players had pledged to take Dave home if England won the World Cup. As you are aware – in fact, if you live in England, you’ll be hearing about very little else for the next four years – that wasn’t to be, but it turns out that they couldn’t bear to be parted from their new feline friend and decided to take him anyway.

    Photo from independent.co.uk.

    How is it that the sun can’t shine on the whole world at once, yet The Mothership manages to beam messages to every cat simultaneously? Clearly, whilst telling our U.K. cats to do whatever stupid shit they were doing at 3am, she was also giving step-by-step instructions to Dave to help him impinge his way into the lives of his target humans. Talk about multi-tasking.

    “Let them stroke you … that’s good … now look a bit pathetic, as if you haven’t been fed for weeks. Come on, Dave, these dudes are rich. If you can pull this off convincingly, you’ll be set for the rest of your life!”

    Photo from talkSPORT.com.

    Obviously it’s going to take time and money before Dave’s transfer is complete. And, no doubt, there will be people complaining about wealthy footballers throwing their resources at one overseas cat when there are plenty in the U.K. who need help. But when young, privileged men show kindness to an animal and set an example to the millions of kids who follow them, that’s surely a good thing, non?

    Kurt Zouma, are you reading this? THIS is how it’s done, mon coco.

    Good luck to Dave in his new life with whichever of his new cat daddies eventually takes him in. Louis Catorze can’t wait to teleport to the housewarming party, especially if lots of men will be invited.

    Peace on earth: non. Goodwill to all men: OUAIS.

  • La vague de froid

    London is in the grip of a cold snap*. And – merci à Jésus, à Marie, à Joseph et au petit âne – Louis Catorze’s bald patch appears to be growing back slowly. The timing is great; no more will he step outside and leak heat into the atmosphere like a runaway steam engine.

    About 1% better than it was.

    *Non-Brits: a cold snap, by definition, is a short period of exceptionally cold weather, but we just like saying “cold snap” and would still say it even if it lasted for months or years. Somehow, saying “We’re having a bit of a cold snap” seems less whiney than just saying, “God, it’s bloody freezing”.

    Frosty leaves, soon to be squatted upon by the Catorzian rear.

    Whilst most of us are shivering under blankets in our living rooms, not daring to crank up the heating for fear of being slapped with a massive bill, Catorze is out. I had hoped to take some photos of him gadding about in the snow, but this has proven impossible because he tends to favour all-night excursions, going out after I’ve gone to bed, then clattering in at 5am, freezing cold and screaming.

    Why he didn’t walk in the snow-free channel on the left, is beyond me.

    And, far from his nocturnal shenanigans wearing him out, they are like a shot of adrenaline. We are exhausted by his attention-seeking, screaming and constant demands for play, and Cat Daddy is quick to remind me that at least I get to escape to work, whereas he’s stuck with him all day long.

    I know. It’s a sad day when rowdy teenagers are regarded as an escape.

    One of my friends: “It’s probably because of his steroid shot. Didn’t he only have it last week?”

    Me: “Erm, no. It was a month ago.”

    [Silence, tumbleweed, crickets.]

    Me: “In fact, he’s due to have another one next week.”

    [Stonier silence, more tumbleweed, chirpier crickets.]

    At least the little sod is having fun. I’m not sure I’ll be saying the same of myself, after two weeks of being stuck at home with a ‘roid-high Roi.

    On the lookout for mischief and mayhem. If he can’t find any, he’ll create some.

  • Appelle autant que tu veux mais il n’y a personne à la maison

    Louis Catorze just sat on Cat Daddy’s lap, right on top of his phone. So we did the only sensible thing we could under the circumstances: call Cat Daddy’s phone from my phone, to see what would happen.

    Naturellement this led to various inappropriate comments from Cat Daddy regarding, erm, the vibration of the phone underneath Catorze’s rear end. None of these comments are repeatable here (or anywhere, come to think of it).

    The things we learned from this very funny experiment were as follows:

    1. You can’t make a phone call and record a video at the same time, however much you may want to.

    2. Catorze is weirder than we thought: his eyes widened, and his tail swished around (not good when normal cats do it, but a sign of happiness for him), yet he DID NOT MOVE.

    In an ideal world I would be posting a video of this, but sadly this won’t be possible unless, next time, we were to convince a third party to come along with their phone. So you will just have to take our word for it when we say that this is the face that Catorze gave us:

    An old photo of unspecified Catorzian outrage.

  • Louis, il fait froid dehors

    Louis Catorze is ready for the festive season. Now, you wouldn’t expect this of a black cat with vampire fangs, but we know it to be true because, when we invited Family Next Door over for a pre-Noël lunch at the weekend, the little sod pitter-pattered into the dining room and let out the maman of all screams.

    Baby Next Door: [Lots of delighted shrieking, bouncing and arm-waving in her high chair when she caught sight of Sa Maj]

    Daughter Next Door: “Louis!”

    Cat Daddy: “Oh, was that him? I thought it was part of the music.”

    Yup, Andy Williams or Dean Martin or whoever it was whose Christmas song we were listening to at the time, really missed a trick by not having screaming felines as backing vocalists.

    In other news, it’s very cold now. I, of course, love this, because it feels like proper winter rather than our country’s usual tepid, damp-weather greyness, but I’m worried about Catorze and the heat escaping from his bald patch. Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs, it’s still here.

    A few nights ago, when it was especially cold, Cat Daddy opened the front door to put some recycling out and, whereas Catorze’s usual trick is to bolt out, this time he bolted IN. Yes, he had been out there for a good couple of hours, with heat gushing from that spot like steam from a pie funnel (younger followers: ask your grandparents). No, we had no idea he was out at The Front.

    Temperatures are set to drop even further this week, so it’s not a great time to be a cat with a hole in his fur. Let’s hope that it grows back soon, before we have to start considering a (very small) Christmas jumper for him.

    Holey shit.

  • L’iglou est de retour

    I have been bouncing around the house singing “The Heat Is On” by Glen Frey (younger followers: ask your parents) because Cat Daddy has finally relented and erm, turned the heating on. I am trying not to think about how much it’s costing, but at least I don’t have to keep picking frost off my eyelashes.

    And, as if by magic, Louis Catorze has rediscovered his igloo. The fact that it’s right next to the radiator is purely a coincidence.

    Selfishly, I miss the little sod; I enjoy our morning routine of sitting in the living room, reading a book, with him sleeping on my lap. But Cat Daddy is delighted because it gives him some peace. And it means we will know where Catorze is when it’s time to take him to the vet on the 19th (yes, I have booked him a precautionary festive appointment, because something is bound to go wrong).

    Anyway, Catorze’s igloo residency has officially begun. And this is where he will be for the next few weeks months:

    He won’t be moving. Not even if the place is on fire.

  • Le coussin royal (Partie 2)

    Remember how much Louis Catorze loves our expensive cushions? Well, it seems he’s keen to spread his love to all cushions, not just expensive ones. This was how I found him yesterday:

    What the actual WHAT?

    He has never shown any interest in this cushion in all the years we’ve had it sitting flat on the sofa. However, having it hanging precariously on the edge of the table, ready to drop off at the slightest move, has proven too much to resist. So much for cats sleeping in places where they feel safe.

    We will never understand this beast. But then they’re all a bit wayward and unhinged, aren’t they?

  • Froid comme la glace

    It’s December. And Le Château is a bit chilly.

    Obviously, under such circumstances, most normal people would put the heating on but, these days, a quick thirty-minute blast of the central heating would probably cost us £250.

    Having Louis Catorze on my lap or on my bed, even though he is smaller than most hot water bottles, provides great warmth. And, if I want an extra little burst of even warmer warmth, I put my hand on his bald spot. Yes, it’s still there, and so far we’ve only had about twelve hairs grow back. But that thing radiates heat like the surface of the sun, hopefully because of its lack of insulating fur and not because anything malignant is simmering away below the surface.

    In terms of warmth, Catorze is a pleasant little bonus. It’s just a shame that anything he saves us on heating is offset by the preposterous amounts of money that we spend on his Orijen and private healthcare.

    In any case, he thinks he is doing us a favour by keeping us warm. And this is the face that he gives me when he sees my hand coming for his bald patch:

    Its resemblance to a heart is purely a trick of the camera. In real life, it’s not so charming.

  • La vérité la plus folle

    One of our dearest friends visited us at the weekend. He follows Le Blog but, somehow, I never remember this. So, when we meet, I update him on the various twists and turns of Catorzian goings-on, only for him to remind me that he already knows.

    Cat Daddy: “She does embellish things in the blog, though.”

    Me: “Really? Name me one thing that I’ve embellished?”

    Him: “Well, you make me out to be a complete shit, for a start.”

    [Silence, tumbleweed, crickets.]

    Our friend: “I kinda guessed that some parts were embellished. All that stuff about the boys supposedly ostracising you in your own home …”

    Me: “THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS! OH MY GOD, YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS MADE UP?”

    I caught Cat Daddy’s eye, hoping that that brief moment would be enough time for me cast him my “If you lie about this, I will finish you” look (and for him to register that I had done so).

    It was.

    Cat Daddy: “Erm … ahem … yeah, to be fair, that does actually happen.”

    Louis Catorze, who was on my lap at the time, illustrated this point perfectly by leaving me and going to Cat Daddy’s lap as soon as he sat down. But, of course, there was a price to pay for the pair of them backing me up and actually NOT making me look like a liar, for once: this move meant that Cat Daddy was TUC all evening, so I had to keep getting up to bring him wine.

    Boys’ Club is in session right now as I write. And don’t be fooled by Catorze’s healthy appearance; his mysterious, crop-circley bald patch is still there, hidden by the fold of his shoulder:

    In his happy place, despite the disapproving look.

  • Traité du zen et de l’entretien des chats

    Louis Catorze went for his booster injections yesterday, and what a drama it was.

    Obviously he screamed and screamed in the waiting room as usual although, luckily, the only other presence was Poppet the Airedale terrier, who didn’t care and even appeared to wag her tail in time to the screaming. And her Dog Daddy’s glasses were all steamed up after coming in, so I am hoping that he won’t recognise me if he sees me again.

    However, it was a new vet administering the shot and, somehow, she wasn’t able to handle a demonically-possessed Catorze in quite the same way that our usual vet does. Every time he thrashed, hissed or screamed, she would hesitate and back off, and there was a dog going ballistic in the next room, which didn’t help. Catorze made an absolute spectacle of himself although, for once, I couldn’t fully blame him. Like a rogue ouija board, he is absolutely lethal in the wrong hands.

    I was about to suggest that we abandon the whole thing and try again next week, but that would have meant going through this pain for a second time. Eventually I told the poor vet to commit to the action and see it through, and to ignore any thrashing, hissing and screaming.

    She did as I asked. Job done.

    Catorze is now safely home and over his trauma, and is cheering himself up by watching some football with me. However, I don’t suppose he has ruled out exacting some excruciating revenge.

    “Haunted bones, I command vous to curse the humans forever.”

  • Des chats et des hommes

    It’s the coldest night of the month so far and, naturellement, Louis Catorze has picked now to escape out at The Front.

    It’s too cold for me to go out looking for him. In fact, it’s too cold even for me to stand at the door for a few minutes and call for him (not that he comes when he’s called). But the thing is that Laurence driving the Plum Van is due to arrive any minute. And, when Catorze and Ocado drivers meet, it’s never pretty.

    This evening will end in one of the following ways:

    1. Catorze will come in the next time I call him, forever remaining unaware of Laurence’s impending arrival (unlikely).

    2. Catorze will sit quietly on the window sill, observe Laurence from afar and allow him to deliver in peace (not a chance in hell).

    3. Laurence have to slalom* around a screaming cat whilst he delivers our groceries, before eventually scrambling to safety and screeching off in the Plum Van at top speed (BINGO).

    *Yes, I know that slaloming usually involves weaving in and out of many stationary objects, not one moving one. But anyone who has ever met a cat will understand.

    Anyway, the little sod is still out there – we don’t know exactly where – and the clock is ticking for Laurence. The only thing that could make this worse would be That Neighbour putting his bins out at the very moment that the carnage kicks off.

    Oh. Mon. Dieu.

    Où t’es, Louis où t’es?

  • On ne brisera pas les hommes

    I have just returned home after a night away, having left the gentlemen of the household alone for a whole twenty-four hours.

    Cat Daddy sent me many Catorze photos during my absence, proving that, for all his besmirching of us cat freaks, he is very much one of our number. This one was accompanied by the word “‘Elmo” and, after some confusion wondering who on earth Elmo was, I discovered that he had meant to write “‘Ello” but it had been autocorrected:

    Nothing Saintly about this Elmo.

    I thought perhaps at least one of the boys might be pleased to have me back, but this is what took place upon my return:

    [Lots of Boys’ Club cuddles]

    Me: “I haven’t seen him for a whole day, and he’s not even interested in saying hello.”

    Cat Daddy: “Well, that’s because you abandoned him! [Turns to Louis Catorze:] Didn’t she? She abandoned us. It was just the two of us, wasn’t it? And didn’t we have the BEST time?”

    Catorze: “Mwah!”

    Me: “ …”

    [More Boys’ Club cuddles]

    Me: “ …”

    It turns out that, during my absence, Cat Daddy had intended to shut the bedroom door overnight but, after a few too many Mâcon Villages, he had relented and left it open. So the little sod had pitter-pattered in and gorged himself senseless on the feeling of having his daddy to himself all night. And the pair of them are more smug and pleased with themselves than ever before.

    This was Cat Daddy’s view when he woke up on Sunday morning:

    “Bonjour.”

    Right now as I write, I am relegated to the end of the sofa whilst the boys continue their love-up. Such is life as the second favourite human in Le Château.

  • Heyyy macadamia!

    Cat Daddy and I went to the bulk store the other day to stock up on a few bits. The bulk store is one of my favourite places in the world but it’s very dangerous; it SOUNDS healthy and wholesome but, if you want to buy 934kg of sugary junk, you can. Nobody says anything or tries to stop you. Puppy Mamma and I once bought our weight in Turkish delights and chocolate-coated coconut things, then congratulated ourselves for being so earth-motherly and disciplined.

    One of the things that I bought this time was a kilo of roasted macadamias, and part of the ritual of shopping at the bulk store is decanting our goods into jars when we get home. It’s messy but very satisfying. However, during the decanting process, I spilled macadamias all over the kitchen worktop and some of them rolled onto the floor.

    Louis Catorze, who was hovering nearby when the incident took place, gave chase to one stray macadamia and sniffed it quizzically. Then he ran for the hills as if he’d just been poked in the eye with a sharp stick.

    I can’t imagine what narrative must have been going on his head to make him think, “Sight of a macadamia: interesting and worthy of further investigation. Smell of a macadamia: MERDE, GET ME OUT OF HERE.” Or perhaps The Mothership beamed him a message to say, “Sniff it and run away, just to see what she does. Go on, it’ll be funny!”

    For the non-believers among you, here is the little sod fleeing from the offending macadamia. And, yes, I needed a little help from my good friend the black markup pen, on Catorze’s rear view:

    Running away up-tailed makes the whole thing even more weird.