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Who would you like to talk to soon? If you have a spare 729 hours, type “Fluent Pet Buttons” into YouTube. (Merci, Raven. This is all your fault.) If you are sensible and daren’t do this, don’t worry; reading this post will give you enough information whilst also saving you from the abyss. (I am…
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After a week or so of assaulting Louis Catorze with hands covered in coconut oil – which he really didn’t like – his fur was 88% greasier than before, and the dandruff was 0.01% better. However, when I gave him his spot-on treatment, things miraculously improved. A friend told me that her cats had a…
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If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Similarly, if Orijen is placed in a cat’s bowl and he is not around to witness the serving, does the food even exist? Having given this question the lengthy consideration that it deserves, Louis Catorze says…
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Do you have any collections? Louis Catorze’s fur collects everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, whether animal, vegetable or mineral. Part of the appeal of black cats is that their fur supposedly doesn’t show up the dirt in the same way that white cats’ fur does, but Catorze’s coat attracts crud just as a magnet attracts…
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On Saturday, Cat Daddy and I went to a fancy dress party. We dressed as goths, mainly because we, erm, already had most of the clothes. As part of our costumes we painted our nails black, something to which Cat Daddy only agreed on the basis that I had the wherewithal to remove the nail…
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Are you a leader or a follower? Oh, please. Le Roi is insulted that we would even ask.
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Today is Dracula Day, which celebrates the anniversary of the publication of Bram Stoker’s iconic novel. I loved it when I read it years ago, and it remains my favourite book of all time. Louis Catorze was perfectly placed for an Official Dracula Day Portrait – sitting beneath our Count Dracula decoration – when Cat…
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After tiring of waking up every morning looking as if my face had been put through a trouser press (younger followers: ask your parents), I recently bought a couple of sets of those satin pillowcases. If you haven’t seen them, they’re a bit 1980s and not the most attractive of objects, but they are supposed…
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What does freedom mean to you? Anything but this: Cat Daddy and I were lying in bed one morning, catching up on Match of the Day. Suddenly, he put down his cup of tea and said, “Nooooo!” Me: “What’s wrong?” Him: “Didn’t you hear it?” Me: “What?” Him: “The pitter-patter.” Louis Catorze then jumped onto…
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What gives you direction in life? Louis Catorze does. However, at the moment that direction seems to be “downwards”. I hardly ever see him these days. No more does he settle across my stomach and cuddle me until I fall asleep, no more is he the first person I see when I wake up, and…
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The thing about Catorzian misdemeanours, other than the fact that they exist, is that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to document all the stupid things that Louis Catorze does. Sometimes I am forced to post incidents that happened ages ago, under the non-committal, vague banner of “the other day” because, at the…
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What’s a job you would like to do for just one day? I can’t say I would LIKE to do this. But, in some alternate universe, I’m pretty sure there was once a version of me who did the job of testing things before the king used them, to make sure they weren’t poisoned, booby-trapped…
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Every now and again, Catorze does something to demonstrate that he can behave himself for a short while. That black mass on the left, on the sofa, is him napping in the living room. And that plate on top of the blue blanket contains sausages which are defrosting in the sun. Now, with most normal…
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