louiscatorze.com

Je crie, donc je suis

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  • I have been a little worried about Louis Catorze these last few days and, when Cat Daddy asked me at what point we should take him to the vet, I knew that he was worried, too. As well as looking very thin, Catorze seemed to be moving around cautiously, as if his body were made…

  • Remember when Louis Catorze loved his new itchy cat treats? Yeah, well, now he doesn’t. The little sod ate the first couple with considerable enthusiasm, even though I’d just fed him, so I thought we were onto a winner. But it didn’t last. And, bizarrely, he doesn’t seem to have changed his mind about them;…

  • Are you superstitious? I firmly believe that, if a black vampire cat comes your way, bad things will happen.

  • Write a letter to your 100-year-old self According to those charts which convert human years to cat years, Louis Catorze will be a hundred years old in 2031. (And I know that, when Cat Daddy reads this, he will say that Catorze looks a hundred years old right now.) 2031 is actually not THAT far…

  • Merci à Dieu: Louis Catorze’s course of ear drops is complete. And what fun it wasn’t. Poor Catorze. I don’t suppose he knew what came over me when, one minute, he’d be snoozing peacefully on my lap and, the next, I was turning his ears inside-out and shoving stuff into them. Warming the bottle of…

  • When Jean-Paul Sartre said “Hell is other people”, he had obviously never put ear drops into the ears of a cat who really, really didn’t want them. Sartre ought to have known better – after all, he had a cat (famously named “Rien”, French for “nothing”). Obviously Simone de Beauvoir was the one who took…

  • You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence? “It was the worst of times.”

  • Earlier this week, we took Louis Catorze to the vet for his steroid shot. He has lost weight and is now down to 3.05kg, but this is quite normal for him at this time of year. However, rather more worrying has been his recent increased ear-scratching and head-shaking. And, when the vet stuck a cotton…

  • I’m not quite sure what’s happening at the moment, but other cats seem to be the ones being complete shites whilst mine is behaving. I repeat: OTHER CATS ARE BEING SHITES AND MINE IS BEHAVING. Someone posted on our online neighbourhood forum, having found a discarded cat tracker in their garden. Apparently the wearer had…

  • Usually, when Louis Catorze needs his next steroid shot, he will start scratching again, and this becomes more and more intense until we take him to the vet. The vet usually has plenty of availability, but occasionally we have had to wait. And, when the building housing the veterinary practice undergoes its long-awaited refurbishment, who…

  • Louis Catorze has been all over me lately, even, on a couple of occasions, choosing my lap over Cat Daddy’s. For a while I thought he was actually starting to like me, but then I realised that I am just the safe refuge from the dreaded guitar. Yes, Cat Daddy is still at it with…

  • If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why? Can you ban a word from the English language even if it wasn’t a proper word in the first place? If so, “nother” needs to go. It’s just silly. An example of that non-word in a context that we…

  • What is your favourite drink? Louis Catorze doesn’t have a repertoire of drinks, and is only allowed water. Well, you’ve seen what he’s like on just water – would you really want to see him on absinthe shots or cask-strength whisky? (Ok, I know that some of you would, just for the entertainment value. But,…

  • Saint Jésus et tous ses anges: Louis Catorze is eating normally. Nobody understands why he’s conceded, but he has, and we will happily take it. I am so glad I didn’t follow the stupid advice of my friends – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE – who told me to just give him the Michelin-starred hot-smoked…