louiscatorze.com

Louis Catorze has had a busy weekend, with the second of his birthday flotilla parties taking place. He wore himself out by screaming himself senseless at his guests but, luckily, they are cat people so they understood.

At first, they described his screaming as “not that bad”. I’m not sure that they still felt this way by the time they left.

As for healthy boundaries, I don’t think anyone who lives with a cat has the right to preach about them. Cats are all massively selfish narcissists who treat us like dirt. And we let it happen. 

Here are just a few examples of Catorze’s behaviour: 

• Ignoring us for much of the day, then deciding to be our friend again when we’re eating fish or cheese. 
• Pretending to be my friend, then dropping me like a hot rock when a better person (usually a man – any man, not necessarily just Cat Daddy) comes along. 
• Frenzied parkour across my bed at night. (He doesn’t actually want anything. This is just for fun.)
• Headbutting and clawing when he wants attention. (Yes, sometimes he digs his claws into bare skin. Yes, it hurts.)
• Screaming. Oh dear God, the screaming. (I realise that it’s becoming boring hearing me complain about this. And you’d think there’d be a ceiling – or “floor”? – in terms of how much it can deteriorate. But, every time I think we’ve reached the limit, it worsens in volume, frequency, duration and tone.)

87% of his behaviour, at least, is the kind of stupid shit that nobody would accept in a million years if a human did it. Yet here we are, not just tolerating/enabling this treatment but also paying handsomely to keep the little bastard healthy and happy. 

Is this like living under an autocratic dictatorship? Or, worse, is it more like a hostage situation? 

For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com