louiscatorze.com

Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Aug 2022

  • Le cri de la panthère noire

    Brentford FC have had two games in the last week, and Cat Daddy and I have just listened to one of the post-match podcasts by our friends Billy and Dave, who run Beesotted, the Brentford fanzine. Billy has quite a loud, booming voice so, when the podcast is on, we can’t really hear much else…

  • Ce sont des temps mystérieux

    I have been watching a series on Prime Video called Still A Mystery. Some of the crimes featured are genuine mysteries, as in, nobody has the slightest idea of who is responsible. However, others are not mysteries at all. Quite the opposite, in fact; it’s blindingly obvious who did it, but somehow justice is not…

  • Il pleut des cordes

    It had to happen sooner or later, and on Wednesday it finally came into effect: just like other water suppliers before them, Thames Water have implemented a hosepipe ban. We are not allowed to use a garden hose to water plants, fill a paddling pool or clean vehicles. However, we are allowed to use one…

  • Une histoire de deux Louis

    Louis Catorze saw the vet on Tuesday. He’s had a good run this summer, with his last steroid shot being on 30th June, so we are glad we’ve been able to stretch it out until now. As ever, the appointment couldn’t possibly have been straightforward and had to be a total comedy. (Funny for everyone…

  • Le Roi est timbré: vive Le Roi!

    I’m a bit late to the party on this one, but Royal Mail (non-Brits: ask your British friends) have launched a set of stamps (younger followers: ask your parents) featuring a cat design: My initial joy at their inclusion of a black cat among their number, soon turned to disappointment when I looked closely and…

  • Un club qui ne m’accepte pas pour membre

    Louis Catorze had an absolute blast on Thursday night. Not only does he enjoy the company of gentlemen, but he actually seems FEED on it, in the same way that, erm, a demonic entity is made more powerful if you fear it. He spent much of the evening sitting on the back of the sofa…

  • Les spiritueux vieillis

    It’s happening! The Rum and Whisky Club, aka High Spirits, will be hosting its inaugural reboot – if, indeed, a reboot can be inaugural – tonight, at Le Château. I know that there are other cat-loving gentlemen reading this, who would love to attend. But, since it’s not possible, here are the details. Perhaps doing…

  • L’invasion verte

    Cat Daddy is trying to re-teach Louis Catorze how to hunt. He is becoming increasingly frustrated by his boy’s refusal to fend off the parakeets and pigeons who eat from our small-birds-only feeder, and he is hoping that some refresher sessions will help. The training sessions appear to be going exactly as one would imagine:…

  • Les fruits d’une sécheresse

    Non-Brits: check on your British friends. We are just about managing to haul our frazzled carcasses through what we really hope is the last hot snap of the year, and we are far from ok. It’s been so hot that Cat Daddy’s iPhone flashed a warning message last Wednesday, about needing to cool down before…

  • Le vampire de la pleine lune

    It’s a full moon tonight. And, just as we thought Louis Catorze couldn’t possibly be any creepier, I am starting to believe that his fangs grow during the full moon. Now, please hear me out. Obviously teeth don’t keep growing in the same way that hair does. But something happens to Catorze during a full…

  • Big Brother veille sur vous

    Is there a link between Facebook and WordPress? I know that they’re not owned by the same people, but is there some sort of creepy algorithmic link, in the same way that every keystroke that we type is monitored somewhere? I ask this because, since my last post, my Facebook feed has been full of…

  • Hors de ma vue! Tu infectes mes yeux!

    *WARNING: CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF CAT ARSE* Anyone who knows me knows that a cat’s rear end is my least favourite part of it. In fact, I’d go as far as to say it’s one of my least favourite things in the world. I would rather face War, Famine, Death or whatever the fourth Horseman…

  • Le jus de ronronnement

    Most cats dribble a bit, but Louis Catorze does it a lot. This is mostly because his mouth cannot fully close on account of his protruding vampire teeth, leaving a permanent escape route for his spit. Since the spit is at its most plentiful when Catorze is purring, Cat Daddy has coined a rather delightful…

  • Le téléphone noir

    I didn’t think there was much in life worse than Louis Catorze’s screaming. But, as ever, when I think we have reached rock bottom with the little sod, he hands me a shovel and tells me to dig until I strike the Earth’s core. He has now begun to scream during phone conversations, especially highly…