Louis Catorze has had some sort of vile crud stuck on his tail for a number of days now. We have no idea what it is, but we have established that it’s not excrement of any kind: not his (which would be bad) and not that of any other animal (which would be very, very bad indeed).
Now, I imagine you’re wondering why on earth the crud has been there for such a long time, and this is a fair question. Believe me, this is not what we want. But the little bastard refuses to clean it off – in fact, he’s so thick that he may not even know it’s there – nor will he allow us to clean it off. I’ve tried, and it didn’t go well. One of his many terrifying superpowers is his ability to summon the strength of ten angry bears if he is made to do anything he doesn’t want to do … and, in the unlikely event of us managing to pin down this freakishly strong hell-beast, his tail then develops a wild, thrashing life of its own, making cleaning impossible.
So we have had to live with it, trying not to think too hard about the fact that the little sod is probably dispersing invisible granules of micro-crud wherever he goes. And, every so often, when we stroke him, he gives us a little reminder of this horror by flicking his tail upwards and making the crud touch our skin. Nothing – I repeat, NOTHING – is as revolting as the feeling of this.
Here he is, taunting us with the sight of the crud and knowing full well that we will never get to it: