Share a photo of your pet and tell us one thing that makes them uniquely them.
Years ago, when we adopted our first black cat, we would wonder how to tell ours apart from others. Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: we were part of the brigade who thought that all black cats looked the same.
If you have a black cat who misbehaves in the neighbourhood, this can actually be quite useful because, in the event of anything untoward, you can just say, “It must’ve been some other black cat”. And, even if nobody believed you, they would struggle to prove anything.
However, the truth is that each black cat has certain particularities which distinguish them from their fellow agents. I am probably shooting myself in the foot by sharing Louis Catorze’s unique features, because having people know these considerably weakens the “It must’ve been some other black cat” defence. But, since the vast majority of you won’t have the misfortune to meet Catorze, and those that have met him already know what he’s like, here are a few of them:
- Abnormally small size. FREAKISHLY small, like a five-month-old kitten. (This is no joke: my friend’s 5-month-old kitten only weighs 100g less than Catorze.)
- Vampire fangs which protrude at all times. These days Catorze gives the impression of only having one fang, but this is because he managed to chip one of them (no idea how) and because, over time, the corresponding cheek/jowl has started to hang lower and lower, further concealing said fang.
- A caustic voice that could strip paint. Numerous people, both friends and strangers, have, over the years, expressed concern at Catorze’s anguished wail. We have had to explain that he’s not distressed or unwell, and that that’s just his normal voice.
If you spot a cat bearing all of the above characteristics, and you’re in the TW8 area of west London, then, yeah, it’s probably Catorze. Even if I tell you that it’s not him, it most likely is. Sorry.
That said, SURELY, with his advancing years, he will be less and less inclined to go around being a massive shite and forcing me to lie for him?
For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com
louiscatorze.com 
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