louiscatorze.com

Louis Catorze is a highly-skilled polyglot, able to communicate with humans, dogs, foxes, squirrels and birds. However, they don’t usually want to hear what he has to say, so it impacts his life by gaining him enemies. This isn’t great.

One day, I was lucky enough to be able to witness this communication in action, although I don’t believe that anything good was being said by either party.

I follow a writer and influencer on Instagram who specialises in female hormones, and recently she recommended spending the first half hour of the morning without your phone and, instead, going outside and getting a few minutes of sunlight. Apparently early morning sun in your face helps to regulate your sleep-wake cycle, something which has really gone to merde lately due to the heat.

I decided to give this a try one morning and, naturellement, it resulted in one of those classic “Dammit, I wish I had my phone on me” moments. This would have been INCREDIBLE to capture on video because nobody will believe that it actually happened, but tant pis. 

I settled on the outdoor sofa with a blanket and was soon joined by Catorze. It was beautifully peaceful out there … until a parakeet landed on one of the telegraph wires overhead and stared, dead-eyed, at Catorze, who was on my lap. 

Then the screeching started. 

If you live in London, you will know what a God-awful thing it is to hear the parakeets screeching. The little bastards start before sunrise and stop whenever they want (or not at all). However, this time, Catorze decided to reply back to the feathered aggressor. And, at one point, they were actually alternating sounds, as if having a proper conversation: 

“Screech!”

“Mwah!” 

“Screeeech!”

“Mwah!”

“SCREEEEEEECH!”

“Mwah!”

It really was as literal as that, with each avian utterance followed by a feline one. And, whilst Catorze’s mwahs remained gentle and low, the parakeet’s screeches rose progressively in volume and pitch, as if he were becoming angrier and angrier.

If you’ve ever been in an argument with someone, only for them to mutter something after you thought YOU’D had the last word, this is exactly what it was like. The parakeet was the Last Worder and Catorze, the Post-Last-Word Mutterer determined to make him madder (and doing a fine job, I might add) by remaining irritatingly nonchalant and saying random shit when the argument was supposed to be over.

And all of this took place with Catorze on my lap, therefore drawing me into the conflict whether or not I wanted to be involved. 

I don’t know whether parakeets, like crows and magpies, remember the faces of those who have pissed them off. I’m really not in the mood for all-out war with the parakeets, so let’s hope that this one will only remember Catorze and forget that I was ever there. 

For all those who believe that cats only mwah at humans, have a look at the video below. THERE IS MWAHHING. 

For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com