What’s something you believe everyone should know?
I want everyone to know that our cuddly, purring little overlords are actually murderous psychopaths. However, I think the world is starting to catch onto this.
I’ve been watching American Detective on Discovery Plus. One of the best things about it is the acerbic presenter who, when the killer is caught, smoking gun in hand, looks into the camera and says, without a flicker of emotion, “Well, my my my. Haven’t WE been a naughty boy?”
According to this presenter, and I quote: “Animals only kill to survive. They don’t do it because they enjoy it. Only humans do that.” And now I’m wondering whether he has ever met a cat.
Although I understand the survival argument for wild cats, we feed our domestic ones fancy food more expensive than gold and crystal meth combined. So they know full well that they will survive whether they hunt or not, thanks to us pathetic suckers. And, since cats aren’t in the habit of doing things that they don’t want to do, there’s not a chance in hell that they don’t enjoy hunting. I’ve seen the look that Louis Catorze gets when his Urge To Kill switch has been activated: longer fangs, uncharacteristically razor-sharp reactions and the eyes of a startled crack addict. Trust me, he’s not hanging onto dear life. The little sod is loving every bit of it.
Fortunately, Catorze has had all year to bring back vermin and he hasn’t bothered, so it’s highly unlikely that he will do so in the two months that remain. Being awoken in the night by squeaks and scrabbling, coming down the stairs and having to take an extra big step at the bottom in case the Catorzian trophy cabinet contained any surprise silverware, the Walks of Shame to the park bin to dispose of dead bodies, all those delights are now a thing of the past.
Catorze can now permanently retire his hunting boots and concentrate on what he does best, although someone may need to remind me of exactly what that is.
[Checks notes … no, I’ve got nothing …]
For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com
louiscatorze.com 
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