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Cat Daddy checked the weather forecast and saw that it was about to rain, so he started bringing in the cushions from the outdoor sofa. However, Louis Catorze was lounged across two of them. (He’s a tiny cat so he fits perfectly well on one, but he always lies across two.) 

Me: “You can’t dislodge him. Look how comfortable he is.”

Cat Daddy: “But it’s going to rain later.”

Me: “Just leave these two cushions for now, and bring them in later.”

Him: “We’ll forget.”

Me: “We won’t!” 

I went to bed early, leaving Cat Daddy responsible for remembering the task. You can see where this is going, can’t you?

I was awoken at 5:50am by the most infernal Catorzian screaming. As you are very much aware, he screams a lot anyway so this isn’t news. However, first thing in the morning, Catorze usually has the decency to tone it down, giving relatively few utterances at moderate volume. On this occasion, it was urgent, full-blast and relentless. I bet there are prison klaxons which are gentler and more pleasant than this particular sound. 

After fifteen minutes of trying to ignore it, I was wide awake. I shuffled downstairs, fed the little sod, conducted my usual morning ritual of electrolytes plus fruit with yogurt plus collagen coffee, all the while cursing Catorze for his rude awakening. 

I then realised that it was raining outside. The wake-up screaming wasn’t urgent, full-blast and relentless simply because Catorze is a massive shite (although that certainly plays a part). It was his “Il Pleut!” scream.

Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: because Catorze loves the rain, he has been known to scream to announce it, and his “Il Pleut!” scream is distinctly different from the other screams in his extensive repertoire. He was delivering my own personal weather update.

I should have known this. But, instead, I ignored it.

And – not that this is much of a plot twist, because you’ll all have seen this coming like a high-speed freight train – Cat Daddy had, indeed, forgotten to bring in the cushions. Had I listened to Catorze at the time that he first raised the alarm, I could have saved them. 

Anyway, the cushions are now indoors and drying off, not that there’s much point because it has stopped raining. And, because Catorze loves the rain, he has gone out to gad about, which means that I can’t find him to do his thyroid medication. 

I can’t even say “Bastard cat” because he did his duty. It’s the humans who have let the side down this time. 

For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com