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I’ve started watching a souped-up version of my usual paranormal investigation shows, called The Demon Files.

The lead investigator, Ralph Sarchie, is a straight-talking ex-NYPD detective. I’m a bit scared of him, and I definitely wouldn’t want to be interviewed by him (especially if I were guilty), but his no-nonsense approach makes for quite compelling viewing.

Whilst conducting his investigations, Ralph requires everyone to sit together in one place, so that he can be sure that none of them are faking any of the phenomena witnessed, which is fair enough. But the way in which he raps out orders is quite abrupt: “What I’m gonna ask is that all your family members – your two girls, your cats – everybody sits RIGHT HERE. I don’t want you moving around.” Ok. Consider it done.

My first thought, of course, was, “He’s never going to get the cats to sit there and not move.” I know one particular cat who would be following the almost-all-male crew everywhere they went, screaming, purring and rolling. But, inexplicably, these cats do as they’re told. Clearly even they realise that an ex-police demonologist is not to be messed with.

Of the three episodes that I have seen so far, two households have been very much into their autumnal and witchy decor. It’s not macabre in any way – in fact, it’s more whimsical and cute, the kind you’d find at a kids’ Hallowe’en party rather than a portal to hell – but Ralph isn’t happy and tells the families, in no uncertain terms, that they’re asking for trouble by having such things in their house. One lady said she loved the month of October as it was when she and her husband met and started dating, and years later they got married in October, but Ralph wouldn’t even accept those extenuating circumstances. The decorations had to go.

This has absolutely blown my mind. So … if you buy a couple of smiley-faced pumpkin ornaments for your home, it’s YOUR FAULT if a demon takes that as an invitation to move in?

And, if Ralph disapproves of something so harmless, I’m not sure what he’d make of our house, which contains the following (all year round, not just in October):

⁃ A whole library of spooky books

⁃ Skull and skeleton décor

⁃ A sculpture containing actual bones

⁃ Wall sconces with black candles

⁃ A ouija chopping board (which, incidentally, has never been used for occult practices, only for slicing vegetables)

⁃ El Día De Los Muertos stuff

⁃ Black cat stuff aplenty

⁃ An actual black cat with vampire teeth, who’s naughtier when it’s a full moon

I wouldn’t want to get rid of any of our belongings, but then I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of Ralph’s ire, either. It’s a good thing we’re not in need of his services.

Oh. Never mind.

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