What are you doing this evening?
I dunno … eating my dinner alone in a locked room, like a prisoner in protective custody?
I’m not sure whether to be more shocked that we are now up to Part 8, or that Louis Catorze has just eaten something unthinkably bizarre from my almost-empty bowl.
Mesdames et Messieurs, I give you: kale pesto. It tastes exactly as it sounds. And it wasn’t regular, crowd-pleasing Sacla; it was some artisan vegan brand, so it didn’t even have any cheese to cheer up its tongue-searing bitterness. (Apologies to any Italians reading this.)
Incidentally, I bought it first and read the ingredients later. If you’re buying fancy pesto, I would recommend that you do these things in reverse.
I should have whipped the bowl away as soon as he went near. But I let him get on with it in the hope that, as soon as his tongue touched the pesto, it would teach him a lesson and he would never food-bully again.
The more the little sod licked the bowl, the more I thought, “Anytime now, he’ll realise his mistake and bolt/puke.” He didn’t. My plan massively backfired and, before I knew it, he’d licked half of it.
Merde.
Also in the bowl were the dregs of mozzarella, avocado, apple cider vinegar (!), raw red onion (!!), sundried tomatoes and avocado. I accept that the mozzarella would have been the main draw, but the pesto, the vinegar and the onion really ought to have cancelled it out.
They didn’t. In fact, after I finally whipped the bowl away, Catorze even jumped up onto the worktop, where he isn’t allowed, looking for more pesto. Then the screaming started.
Cat Daddy: “See what you’ve created? All this is because of that salmon that you gave him from your plate*. He’s realised that there are better things out there than the dried shit** we give him every day.”
*This isn’t remotely how it happened, but tant pis.
**That dried shit is the best food on the planet and costs us a fortune, but tant pis again.
Meanwhile, Catorze is officially on hunger strike (again), gazing sorrowfully at his bowl and wishing some good soul would swap the Orijen for vegan pesto.
Cat Daddy: “Feeding him pesto would be cheaper.”
For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com
louiscatorze.com 
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