*WARNING: CONTAINS UNPLEASANT REFERENCES TO PUKE*
We came home after a night out to find a nice pile of cat puke on the bed. Louis Catorze has never thrown up on a bed before, not once in ten years. And, because we didn’t know it had happened, it had seeped through the duvet cover and onto the actual duvet.
Oh, and of course it had to be the new, fancy eucalyptus silk bedding, and not the ancient polycotton shite that I’ve had for years.
When I went to fetch some cleaning products, I could hear Cat Daddy in the bedroom, crashing around and shouting, “What puke? I can’t see any.”
I yelled, “Noooo, don’t touch anything!” but I was too late. In his quest to find the puke – why he needed to see it for himself, I really don’t know – Cat Daddy had flipped the duvet, sending puke flying in all directions. He was several pints of beer under, plus wine and port, but making a bad situation worse is the kind of thing he would have done whilst sober anyway.
When I was at university, I would frequently do my washing in the early hours of the morning, often falling asleep drunk in the laundry room, because it was the only time of day when the two (2) washing machines, shared between three hundred (300) students, were free. I thought those days were behind me. Yet there I was, seemingly having travelled thirty years back in time, doing it again. Only this time I made Cat Daddy wait until the cycle was finished and hang it all up to dry, since he was the one who hadn’t believed me in the first place.
Having just a sheet over me doesn’t give me the protection from the cold and from parkouring paws, in the same way that a duvet does. So I had awful sleep, alternating between shivering and being stamped on/screamed at. And the next morning, the little sod was nowhere to be found. (I still don’t know where he went. Probably next door.)
So, total shits given by the perpetrator = < 0.
I guess I now need to worry about why he did this. Cats puke all the time, I know that. But perhaps he was just too slow to jump off the bed before it happened? And, if so, how is it that he still manages 3am parkour?
For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com
louiscatorze.com 
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