louiscatorze.com
Je crie, donc je suis
Tag: food
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Saint Jésus et tous ses anges: Louis Catorze is eating normally. Nobody understands why he’s conceded, but he has, and we will happily take it. I am so glad I didn’t follow the stupid advice of my friends – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE – who told me to just give him the Michelin-starred hot-smoked…
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Although The Great Salmon Grab was ages ago, its effects have been hard-hitting and far-reaching. Louis Catorze is eating, but there is something strange about the way he’s doing it. I once described it as “reluctant”, but that implies a certain – albeit very low – level of cooperation, and this isn’t really what’s happening.…
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If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Hot-smoked salmon. I’m not joking. We have had a trying few days here at Le Château. Since The Great Salmon Grab, every time I headed for the kitchen, Louis Catorze would pitter-patter after me and sit expectantly by his bowl, hoping beyond hope that some hot-smoked…
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What is your favourite animal? Not cats. Not anymore. Not after this. Bastard cat. I’m going to put him in an Uber and send him to someone’s house. I don’t know whose house. I don’t care whose house. It could be yours, so watch out. I came home on Wednesday night absolutely exhausted from work,…
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What snack would you eat right now? Clearly nothing. Bastard cat. Cat Daddy and I can’t abide food waste. So it really hurts us to be throwing away perfectly edible Orijen – especially as it’s more expensive than cocaine and gold combined – just because a certain little shit doesn’t like the way we’ve served…
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This is the current status for each of us here at Le Château: Me: boiling a kettle in order to serve 0.3ml of boiling water to a cat. Cat Daddy: shouting at me for boiling a kettle for such a minuscule amount of water when there’s a global energy crisis.* Louis Catorze: enjoying his life…
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Louis Catorze hasn’t been eating much lately. We had initially put this down the fact that he does nothing all day but, one morning, I came downstairs to feed him and his bowl wasn’t empty. In fact, it was three-quarters full and, judging from what Cat Daddy later said about how much food he’d given…
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I don’t have many memories of childhood Christmas celebrations, but the one thing that stands out is the time when cat shenanigans caused utter chaos. My aunt had just made the brandy butter to accompany our Christmas pudding, not imagining that it would have the slightest cat appeal. She left it unguarded for 0.3 seconds…
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Oh. Mon. Dieu. Louis Catorze has just eaten two tiny fragments of crisps. And they weren’t just normal crisps. They were fried egg-flavoured crisps. I know. I know exactly what you’re thinking: 1. Yes, fried egg-flavoured crisps are a thing (and, unbelievably, they are delicious). 2. Catorze doesn’t eat human food (or so we thought).…
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Every time I look at Louis Catorze, I think, “Aww. Our little boy has a heart murmur.” And he looks back at me, most likely thinking, “Oh, it’s you. Why are you still here?” People have been asking after him and feeling quite sorry for him, but his symptoms so far have been screaming, demanding…
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Last year Cat Daddy planted some tarragon in the garden, and it didn’t go well. Look here and here if you want to know the reason why, although I expect you can guess. Not wishing to go through the same pain this year, Cat Daddy just let low-risk, plain grass grow in what used to…
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If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Similarly, if Orijen is placed in a cat’s bowl and he is not around to witness the serving, does the food even exist? Having given this question the lengthy consideration that it deserves, Louis Catorze says…
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Every now and again, Catorze does something to demonstrate that he can behave himself for a short while. That black mass on the left, on the sofa, is him napping in the living room. And that plate on top of the blue blanket contains sausages which are defrosting in the sun. Now, with most normal…
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When Cat Daddy and I met Shadow the black Labrador, her humans told us that she was an expert at seeking out people who had food and giving them the Full Hepburn, playing the convincing part of a starving dog. Her Dog Grandpa repeatedly vows not to fall for her act, yet always gives in.…
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