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Our cleaning lady was off last week, so we had a new lady take over just for one day. Due to a misunderstanding, she arrived an hour early and we weren’t ready at all. 

Now, as a society, we have been conditioned to dislike latecomers. However, nothing sends me into a tailspin as much as someone arriving unexpectedly early, especially when there’s a ton of stuff that you were meant to do in preparation for their visit. We once had weekend guests arrive early when I was right in the middle of making up their beds. “It’s good to be early, isn’t it?” they breezily declared. 

No, it’s not. Not like this. 

Anyway, in my blind panic upon opening the door and discovering that it wasn’t my Evri delivery, I managed to step on Louis Catorze. He loves visitors – friends, neighbours, delivery drivers, tradesmen, trick-or-treaters – therefore, naturellement, he had to come to the door to see what was happening, and I just didn’t see him. So Nadia was greeted by me shrieking, “YOU’RE EARLY!” when she thought she was on time, plus a screaming, hissing cat adding to the general chaos and cacophony. 

After a panic-tidy of the horrendous bulldozed mess that was Le Château, so that Nadia could actually see the surfaces and the floor, Cat Daddy and I sheltered in the living room to keep out of her way. Catorze, however, chose to remain wherever Nadia was, all the while screaming and screaming. 

We then had a decision to make: leave him to torture poor Nadia with the screaming for another three hours, or confine him to the living room with us and suffer the screaming ourselves. 

In the end we chose to take the bullet for Nadia. 

Catorze, bouncing around the room: “Mwah! Mwah! Mwahhhh!”

Cat Daddy: “[Unrepeatable Expletives.]”

Catorze: “MWAHHHH!”

Cat Daddy: “[Even worse Unrepeatable Expletives.]”

Catorze: [Digs claws into Cat Daddy’s fingers.]

Cat Daddy: “[Unrepeatable Expletives of the Worst Kind.]”

And so it continued, until Cat Daddy put on a football podcast and Catorze was immediately soothed by the sound of complaining male voices. The little sod snapped out of his manic mood and just settled quietly, listening with great interest to Nottingham Forest’s injury and transfer updates. 

Someday things will just be nice and normal here. Or … maybe this IS our normal? 

For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com