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Louis Catorze loves men and, whenever groups of people visit us, he will seek out the gentlemen of the party. I don’t know a cat can know what a man is and what a woman is, but he does. Years ago, when he was off his nut on Gabapentin and not very well, Catorze still had the strength to drag himself off our female guest’s lap and onto that of her husband. 

But, really, every visiting man has an impact on Catorze, whether it be family members, friends, tradesmen, delivery drivers, whoever.

Cat Daddy’s daughter and her husband are staying with us this week. Son-in-Law grew up with animals and has always had them in his life. In fact, one of his childhood cats used his outdoor Wendy House structure to stash animal remains from her kills, and these were only discovered by his horrified parents once, erm, a sizeable amount had built up. Despite this, he loves cats, and has even chat-sat Catorze before. And, since Catorze loves him, too, the little sod can’t resist showing off.

This has mostly taken the form of screaming. He screams all the time, we know. However, we have observed that he does it when Son-in-Law isn’t giving him attention, then falls silent when he is. It’s not just random screaming; it’s very targeted, in order to achieve a goal. And it works. 

When outside at The Back, Catorze often sits at the patio door like a Victorian child outside a sweet shop, gazing mournfully at whoever is indoors. Every so often he screams. However, with a new gentleman playmate as a spectator, he decided to ramp things up a notch. 

I was sitting in the kitchen, talking to our son-in-law about football, and I happened to be facing away from the patio door. I didn’t even know that Catorze could be seen through the glass. 

Me: “Blah blah next away game blah blah …”

Son-in-Law, interrupting: “Sorry, but … WHAT IS LOUIS DOING?”

I turned to look. The little sod was reared up on his hind legs, eyes wide, battering at the glass with his front paws and screaming absolute bloody murder. 

Never have I seen him do this when he has a perfectly good route in.

Me, trying to hide my embarrassment: “Oh, just ignore him. He’s pretending to be stuck outside.”

Him: “So he’s … NOT stuck outside?”

Me: “No, he’s just being a shite.”

Now, we all know the story of the boy who cried wolf, don’t we? Even though Catorze practically invented false alarms, part of me did worry that the one day I failed to respond to the SOS would be the day that the cat flap malfunctioned, that there was a bloodthirsty wolf on the prowl outside, or some such thing.

We continued our conversation about football but, all the while, I had one ear at the back door, listening out for wolf sounds. 

None came. 

And, a few minutes later, when Son-in-Law’s back was turned, Catorze came in through the cat flap with no issue whatsoever. 

Here he is, on the lookout for the next man. Would he launch a stealth aerial attack as they walked up the stairs? Absolutely.

For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com