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Cat Daddy and I escaped to the south coast on Saturday, leaving Louis Catorze in the care of Family Next Door, and I am writing this in the car on the way home. 

We had hoped for a bit of a break from feline bullshittery. We didn’t get one. 

The horror unfolded in our bedroom on Saturday night as follows, rather like the seven stages of poltergeist infestation: 

1. The repeated, random ringing of a rogue cat collar bell whilst we slept.
2. Unearthly feline screaming.
3. The sound of a second feline voice, in stereo, indicating that another entity was present. 
4. Objects in the room being moved by the two entities. 
5. Footsteps walking up my body. 
6. An incubus-like weight* settling on my chest, crushing my lungs.
7. The disembodied voice of a child (aged six), investigating the proceedings in the darkness.

*The offending party is only 4.5kg, but anything is an incubus-like weight compared to gossamer-light Catorze.

The intervening niece informed me that the cats only ever screamed like that when they had brought in a gift, so I offered to help her look for it. However, when we went downstairs, she stepped into a pile of cat puke and was rendered immobile until I was able to find cleaning materials for her carpet and her foot.

To add further insult to already-existing insult, her older sister then told us that the cats had been shut in all night, on account of their habit of bringing in undead wildlife and releasing it in the house. So there was no gift, and we had all got out of bed for nothing. 

Here is Otis, the little sod who started it all: 

His sister, Roux, wasn’t available for comment or for photograph, no doubt because she had gone out hunting in protest at the overnight house arrest. 

Since they’re all in this together, what’s the betting that Catorze will have behaved impeccably for his chat-sitteurs despite the last remaining dregs of the full moon yet to fade away, only to morph back into the psychotic beast that he is, the minute he hears our keys in the door?

Cats: if they weren’t fluffy and cute, nobody would be stupid enough to put up with their shite.

For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com