Describe your life in an alternate universe
Part 5. Holy hell.
In the 1998 film Sliding Doors, PR executive Helen misses a train; we see how her life unfolds after that, as well as seeing an alternate universe in which she DID catch the train. I look back upon The Great Salmon Grab and long for the life I would have had, had I not left my dinner unattended on that fateful night.
Louis Catorze is – how can I put this? – not the fizziest drink in the fridge. But, dammit, he remembers The Great Salmon Grab. And now it’s official: we can never eat smoked salmon of any sort in the house again, EVER.
Catorze was outside when I started preparing our smoked salmon salad dinner. Since it was regular smoked salmon rather than the hot-smoked variety, I thought this meant that he wasn’t interested. Or, perhaps, he was so engrossed in annoying the local wildlife that he didn’t know I was handling smoked salmon.
What a mistake this was.
As soon as we sat down to eat, he appeared, trying to stick his face into my plate and screaming bloody murder.
And, tempting though it is to throw him a sliver, the way characters in old cartoons used to throw strings of sausages to dogs to distract them, the short-term gain of being able to eat that one meal in peace would also be the beginning of the end.
Me: “We’ve created a monster, haven’t we?”
Cat Daddy: “What do you mean, “we”?”
Yes, Cat Daddy still blames me for the situation.
Look at Catorze bullying Cat Daddy for his salmon, having just finished screaming at me for mine. This is our life now.
For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com
louiscatorze.com 
Leave a comment