How do you waste the most time every day?
Probably by reading and writing about cats, although I don’t consider it a waste. I consider it time well spent, especially when I read about cats who are bigger shites than mine. (Unbelievably, there are some out there.)
I don’t know what is happening to the cats of TW8, but they seem to be involved in some sort of Synchronised Piss-Take at the moment. Several cat owners have been posting messages on our local neighbourhood forum, asking everyone not to feed their cats because the little sods are chubbing up from all the extra meals.
Generally the reaction has been sensible: most people are in agreement that you should absolutely not feed someone else’s cat without permission. But a small minority have surprised me with their responses. Some people have advised the original posters to keep their cats indoors; apparently, if you let your cats out, then you should expect “kind” people to feed them. Erm.
Then there was this person. Their profile photo is that of a cat, but I am starting to wonder if that’s just a stock photo. If this comment is genuine and not satire, clearly they have never met a cat before:
As you know, Louis Catorze is inordinately fussy and wouldn’t be interested in food offered by random people. However, I’m pretty sure his big brother, Luther, would have happily eaten rusty razorblades if someone had drizzled them with fish stock first, whether he were hungry or not. He was also king of the Second Dinner Trick and, once, had me scrabbling through bins counting empty cans, because I didn’t know whether feeding him twenty minutes beforehand was real or just a dream.
Worryingly, some people agreed with the commenter above. Are they mind-numbingly stupid? Or are they simply one stage along in the subversive brainwashing process that cats are conducting on us, in preparation for their world takeover?
At least nobody on the forum has (yet) posted to say, “There’s a stray black kitten in my garden, who won’t leave my husband/boyfriend/brother alone”. I’m all ready with the “It must be some other black cat” trademark response.
For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com
louiscatorze.com 
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