What are you curious about?
Cat Daddy is away at a festival, so it’s just me and Louis Catorze at home. No, I wasn’t tempted to go. And, after accidentally clicking on a link that was a video of a Glastonbury toilet, I knew that I would not attend any outdoor festival, EVER, as long as I live.
My normal television viewings – which were temporarily halted on holiday as there was only one TV, so we had to compromise – have now resumed. Yesterday, when I was watching one of those Prime Video programmes with the obligatory ads that you can’t forward through, there was an ad for Wisdom Panel. At first I thought, “Why on earth would they advertise that now, in the middle of a show about bloodthirsty serial killers [or ghosts, or sharks, or whatever it was]?” but the fact that I remember the ad and am now writing about it, yet I’m unable to remember the programme that I was watching in the first place, shows that they have their marketing exactly right.
Wisdom Panel is an organisation who does, erm, DNA ancestry for pets. Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: for the kingly sum of £89.99, you can gain “valuable insights on their genetic health, traits, ancestry and more”.
I’m curious. But not £89.99 curious.
We already know that Catorze is part-vampire, part-demon, part-alien and part-cryptozoological critter yet to be discovered. We don’t need a test to find this out. Wisdom Panel also claims to allow us to customise our pet’s healthcare according to its findings but, if what we already do for him isn’t “customised care”, I don’t know what is.
Regretfully, where the system comes crashing down for us cat freaks is that, in order to conduct the test, we have to rub a swab (just like the Covid ones) between the animal’s cheek and gum line for fifteen seconds. Now, this may not seem like a long time, but anyone who has ever had to pin down a screaming, hissing, writhing hell-beast of a cat to administer their meds, will understand that this just won’t work.
And, as if to add insult to injury, the Wisdom Panel site has two videos of well-behaved doggies sitting perfectly still whilst their humans swab them. There are no videos of anyone swabbing a cat.
So Cat Daddy and I will be putting our £89.99 to better use – for instance, buying more alcohol to help us deal with all Catorzian capers. I think we’re gonna need a bigger drinks trolley.
louiscatorze.com 
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