Who would you like to talk to soon?
If you have a spare 729 hours, type “Fluent Pet Buttons” into YouTube. (Merci, Raven. This is all your fault.)
If you are sensible and daren’t do this, don’t worry; reading this post will give you enough information whilst also saving you from the abyss. (I am reluctant to call it a rabbit hole because, despite their labyrinthine twists and turns, rabbit holes have exits. Abysses – that word looks so wrong but I think it’s right – don’t.)
In short, Fluent Pet Buttons are devices onto which we can audio-record different words, and pets learn which one to press according to what they want. The entry level kits contain four buttons and suggest basic instructions such as “Outside”, “Play” and “Bed” although, as you will see from the YouTube videos, it seems that one can’t stop at four buttons. The more you get, the more you want, rather like cats themselves (obviously not mine, though).
Would I buy these for Louis Catorze? Probably not. Firstly, erm, I don’t think he is heavy enough to apply the required pressure; they claim to be easy to press “even for small learners”, but his “small” isn’t like most animals’ “small”.
Secondly, Catorze already has us under his spell with his powers of mind control; we have come to know what he wants. So why exert himself by pushing stupid buttons when he can just THINK about what he wants and get it?
Thirdly, and most importantly, Cat Daddy already complains about Catorze’s stuff every time he goes into a room. He would never condone adding such tone-lowering baubles to an already-extensive collection of garish cat playthings, and I’m not sure I could cope with the Unrepeatable Expletives that would ensue if I bought them without telling him.
What do you think would be the four sets of words recorded, in the highly unlikely event of Catorze losing his powers of mind control and me having to buy the starter kit? Certainly “Feed Moi”, “Boys’ Club” and “The Front”, but what else?
louiscatorze.com 
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