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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

  • La déesse de la chasse 

    Cat Daddy and I went to visit my sister at the weekend, in an effort to escape feline bullshittery. 

    We failed in our mission. 

    Mesdames et Messieurs, it may well be deep autumn here in the UK, but nobody appears to have told Roux this. The little sod is still merrily hunting, as she did throughout the summer, and the arrival of household guests meant a perfect opportunity to show off her hunting prowess. 

    Roux’s brother Otis is innocent, for once.

    Roux’s favourite spot is underneath the acer bower in the garden, where she remains completely concealed when the tree is in full leaf. My sister and I were chatting in the kitchen when, suddenly, Roux sprang out from her hiding place, feathers flying and a huge pigeon in her mouth. 

    Oh. Mon. Dieu. 

    Luckily Roux wasn’t able to see the task through to the end; the pigeon was able to flap free and fly away. However, the evidence of the attempted murder was there for all to see, in the form of feathers all over the lawn and stuck to the offender’s whiskers.

    Holy moly.
    HOLY MOLY.

    Meanwhile, back in TW8, Catorze appears to have behaved throughout our absence. Once again, I don’t understand it but I’ll take it. 

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Les esprits maléfiques (Partie 2)

    What would you would attempt, were you not guaranteed to fail?

    (I’ve changed the wording slightly to make it a better fit for today’s catastrophe.)

    I’d make cats stop being massive shites. But, since it’s impossible, I shan’t even bother to try.

    The Bus of Misrule usually stops off here in October, but it seems to have passed us by and, instead, made a quick return trip to the south coast. 

    My sister’s family have barely recovered from Otis’s bullshittery, and now it’s Roux’s turn.

    Bastard cat.

    The evil deed took place at the witching hour of 3am. Roux’s human mamma and big sister were having a sleepover in said bedroom, when they were awoken to the sound of scratching. The little sod had peed on the newly-laid carpet – so new, in fact, that the humans had not yet paid the invoice for it. 

    The family WhatsApp group is now pinging away merrily with links to orange oil, enzyme-based carpet cleaner and various other substances known for repelling pissy cats. Since Louis Catorze has only ever toileted inappropriately twice, each time when a human* had inadvertently blocked his exit route, for once in my life I can use “Sorry I can’t be of any help here” as a flex.

    *Not me.

    Cats, come on, please give us a break. (Catorze, as you were.)

    Even he looks surprised that he’s behaving.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Qui promet la lune

    It was a full moon yesterday. Louis Catorze has been moon-sensitive all his life, so much so that we don’t even need to check full moon dates because we can usually tell by his behaviour: he’s wide-eyed, twitchy-eared and highly alert in the couple of days before and after. 

    For the last few nights just before the full moon, Catorze had been lying on my lap but only pretending to sleep. He was treating every little sound outside with suspicion, flicking his ears and eyeing invisible, otherworldly beings drifting outside the window (even though he was probably the one who summoned them in the first place).  

    So when I opened the main bedroom window one night, to let out the stale air, I fully expected to come back into the room and see his arse clambering out. It was rather more of a surprise, however, to come back and see his arse clambering IN. 

    Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs, the little sod had crept out of an upper floor window, whilst I had my back turned, and stayed out there for a good fifteen minutes.

    Nobody quite knows what he did out there, but no doubt the moonbeams would have charged him up for whatever bullshittery he had in mind. And, with Hallowe’en not too far away, I think there’s more to come. 

    Please, someone, send help to TW8 urgently.

    I see a bad moon rising.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Les esprits maléfiques 

    What’s your favourite hobby or pastime?

    Right now? Pissing off all the humans.

    Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: there is more feline bullshittery afoot although, again, it’s not my cat who’s causing it. What is HAPPENING? 

    This time it’s Louis Catorze’s cat-cousin and fellow Chat Noir, Rodan, who has been jumping onto the kitchen worktop to hoover up any dregs of food left over from dinner. He knows he’s not allowed to do this. However, he doesn’t give a shit. 

    Worse yet, the little sod doesn’t even have the grace to run away guiltily when caught, as most normal cats do. In fact, he settles on the worktop in loaf pose, limbs folded and defiant, as if to raise a massive middle finger to the humans and their pathetic rules. 

    Here he is, getting told off by his Cat Daddy: 

    Bastard cat.

    It’s only going to get worse in the run-up to Hallowe’en, isn’t it? At least the one silver lining is that it’s not my problem. 

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Un nouveau mode de vie (Partie 13) 

    What’s a topic or issue about which you’ve changed your mind?

    When these arrived in the post, Cat Daddy had questions. MANY questions.

    It’s not what it looks like.

    Mesdames et Messieurs, these are finger cots, and you put them over your fingers to protect cuts from infection. I didn’t even know these existed until one of my friends – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE – introduced me to them. 

    Since Louis Catorze has such an aversion to being thyroid-medicated, and since these finger cots look much easier to hide in one’s hand than a whole, scrunched-up glove, I bought a huge packet of them. And they work. I can also wear one on my thumb, if I wish to do so, to avoid being tainted through any sudden ear-flicking. (Catorze can be alarmingly adept at this; one unexpected flick and I end up medicating my thumb instead of his ear.) 

    These magical things have transformed my life, and medicating Catorze is now only moderately horrendous rather than absolute hell on earth. I’ll take the improvement, however minuscule.

    That ear is just itching to be medicated.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Un portail vers les morts

    What skill would you like to learn?

    It’s October, and Pets at Home have just launched a ouija board for cats. So necromancy could be quite fun, non?

    Wow.

    However, since we share a house with Louis Catorze, who already communes with evil spirits on a regular basis, we’re probably better off giving it a miss. So that frees up a ouija board for one of you. 

    You’re welcome. 

    Yeah, what we really need in this house are more demons.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • C’est un monde mélangé, confus et bouleversé

    The Bus of Misrule seems to be stopping off at every household but mine at the moment. I don’t know what’s in the air, but we’re going through an unsettling period of other cats being utter shits and mine behaving impeccably. 

    After hearing curious crunching sounds, my sister caught Otis under the bed happily tucking into the head of a “mouse”. She posted a picture of it on the family WhatsApp group and the rest of us could see, quite clearly, that this was far too big to be a mouse. But who was going to tell her? 

    In the end we all did. 

    My sister ended up having to poke Otis away with a broom, before retrieving and disposing of the three-quarters of the “mouse” that remained. 

    The very next day, my other sister reported that Mothra had brought in a live frog. This was eventually caught and set free in the garden.

    And, as someone who can’t bear to see naughtiness go by without getting serious FOMO, Boots – usurper stepbrother of Antoine, Louis Catorze’s frère-from-another-mère – couldn’t resist joining in. The naughty sod broke into a pack of Easypill* and scoffed what remained. 

    *As you can probably imagine, this is a paste used to coat pills, to make cats more inclined to eat them. A kind of meaty, pliable Trojan Horse, if you will. 

    It’s not often that I get to call other cats out on their unsatisfactory conduct whilst mine is an absolute angel, but I’ll take it. Let’s hope that this won’t rebound horribly on me. 

    Bastard cat.
    Bastard cat.
    Bastard cat.
    Good boy.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Dormir toute la journée, faire la fête toute la nuit 

    Of which aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud?

    (Sorry, I changed the wording because I couldn’t handle the clunkiness of the original.)

    Louis Catorze is very proud of being a black cat with vampire teeth. 

    This makes him astonishingly popular, with everyone – and I mean EVERYONE, kids and grown-ups alike – wanting to spend time with him in October. He usually starts taking bookings as early as July and, by late September, his diary is full. He has more visitors than us, by quite some way.

    Here are some of my favourite fangy photos of him: 

    Oldman.
    Lee.
    The Full Lugosi.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Même l’homme le plus fort, le lit peut le vaincre

    Cat Daddy and I have just flipped the mattress in the main bedroom. We’re supposed to do it every few weeks, apparently, but we’ve been a bit lazy and left it, erm, quite a bit longer than that. 

    I felt that it was probably time to flip when I woke up with back pain every morning. Obviously, at this point, I should have done the deed immediately. But, again, because I was lazy, until I could muster up the spirit to do the task, I thought I’d experiment with sleeping in different positions: diagonally from corner to opposite corner, horizontally across the foot end, and so on. 

    Louis Catorze is a cat who doesn’t cope well with anything out of the ordinary from his daily routine. 

    Can you see where this is going, Mesdames et Messieurs? 

    The first night that I slept diagonally across my bed, with my head at the foot end, the little sod lost his shit. Upon discovering my new sleeping position, he bounced all over me, from left to right and back again, screaming himself senseless.

    Catorze returned every few hours, just to check, “Is she still doing it?” And, each time, his inspection was accompanied by more bouncing around and screaming. Eventually I stopped going back to sleep between inspections and was actually able to witness him jump up onto the bed, walk over to where my head would usually be and, for a split second, look completely puzzled. Were it not for the fact that I was exhausted, it would have been quite funny.

    By morning I had snapped out of my laziness, and Cat Daddy and I flipped the mattress later that day.  As soon as Catorze saw my head where it should be, normal service – well, whatever passes for “normal” in this place – resumed. 

    Here he is, photographed during a rare calm moment: 

    A bit of a rest before the next lot of drama.

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • La fin de la chasse 

    What things give you energy?

    It’s the autumn equinox tomorrow. You all know by now how much I look forward to this day although, this year, we started celebrating autumn on 1st September, the start of meteorological autumn, just to squeeze in more autumn fun. 

    This is traditionally a time for honouring ageing deities. Louis Catorze certainly regards himself as a deity, but he seems to have forgotten about the “ageing” part; after a summer of looking frail and brittle (if you’re wondering how a cat can look “brittle”, just trust me on this), he seems to have a new lease of life.

    As for WHAT exactly is giving him energy, who knows? Darkness? Hallowe’en? Satan? All of the above? 

    However, one part of Catorze which lies very firmly in the past is his hunting; never before have we reached the autumn equinox without him having brought in at least one mouse. So we have reached the end of an era, although I will not miss the walk of shame to the park bin, hoping that I don’t bump into any neighbours whilst carrying the giveaway knotted plastic bag. 

    The sun may be setting on summer, but Catorze is just getting started.

    Happy Equinox to you all. 

    Waiting patiently for Hallowe’en?

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Pour présider, d’abord s’asseoir

    Have you ever thought that, after over eleven years of putting up with living with your cat, you knew everything about them, only for them to do something to prove you wrong? Louis Catorze’s latest thing, something which he has never done before, is to sit on the warm spot left by someone who has just vacated the sofa. 

    He even leaves laps to do this, which makes zero sense as the lap is obviously softer and warmer. And he does it in all weathers. Yes, even if it’s a raging Dantean hellfire outside. 

    It’s an endearing, sweet little quirk, despite being weird. However, the problem comes when he does this in the evening. A black cat + a dark sofa + dim lighting + a Cat Daddy who is a few glasses of wine under = you know where this is going, don’t you? 

    Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: Cat Daddy has sat on Catorze three times in the last few weeks. 

    When it happened again last night, it was a good few seconds before Cat Daddy realised anything was amiss, because Catorze is too stupid to wriggle or scream to warn Cat Daddy of his predicament. However, he eventually realised and the squashed little sod was released, running straight outside.

    Cat Daddy was absolutely distraught and made me follow his boy outside to make sure that he wasn’t lying in a crumpled heap somewhere, gasping his last breath. He wasn’t. He was pitter-pattering around the garden and, when he saw me, he started screaming, so I took that to mean he was ok. 

    This is what it looks like when it happens. Luckily, this time, Catorze was able to move in time before the full weight of Cat Daddy’s arse hit him: 

    Catorze: “…”

    Humans with Chats Noirs: check under yourselves before you sit down in the dark. Or even NOT in the dark. If you think your cat is clever enough to move before being sat on, you may be giving them a little too much credit. 

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • L’héraut de la mort 

    Something strange is afoot here at Le Château: Boys’ Club appears to have disbanded. Or, at the very least, it’s taking a hiatus. And the reason for this is because Louis Catorze can’t get enough of me. 

    I know. I KNOW. 

    The little sod now seeks out MY lap in the evenings. He also comes to bed with me, and is there again when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes he’s been pressed so firmly against me that I’ve squashed him, when leaning over in the middle of the night for my bottle of water. 

    When Cat Daddy comes to bed and turns off my infrared lamp, he finds me and Catorze curled up, fast asleep, together. This is quite unheard of. 

    Rather than accept this with grace, I worry that something is amiss. Perhaps Catorze senses that his time on the planet is running out, and he (finally) wants to repay me for all the things I do for him? Or maybe I’M the one who’s about to die and uncharacteristic affection is Catorze’s way of trying to announce this, like a small, toothy Bean Sidhe? 

    Here is proof that I am telling the truth. What do you make of this? 

    Is this the look of death? And whose death, exactly?

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Le bonheur est comme un chat et sa queue 

    When we first met Butthole, the Abhainn Dearg distillery cat, we assumed that he had either been in some sort of accident which had left his tail like that, or that he had a birth defect. It turns out that the first one isn’t true at all, and the second one is only half-true. He HAS had this curious affliction ever since birth, yet he can also hold his tail normally when he feels like it. 

    His human employer (I wasn’t really getting a “Cat Daddy” kind of vibe when we visited the distillery) mentioned that Butthole was fully aware of the attention attracted by his weird tail, and probably did it on purpose for this very reason. 

    How? Why?

    I tried, the other day, to curl Louis Catorze’s tail in the same way, and it just wouldn’t work. It’s very difficult to do this with one hand whilst filming with the other, but this was one of my more successful efforts: 

    Nope. We are in a Curl-Free Zone.

    As you can see, the tail just won’t life flat against his body in the way that Butthole’s does. Not even the weird reptilian segments were able to help us out here. 

    How? Why?

    So Catorze is only the second-weirdest cat on the planet. What a relief. 

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Le diable essuie sa queue avec l’orgueil du pauvre

    We have managed to solve the long-standing mystery of how Louis Catorze manages to come indoors with a parchment-dry body and a dripping wet tail. 

    As well as drinking from his water glass, Catorze drinks from the rainwater that pools on our outdoor table. This makes it impossible to answer when the vet asks us whether he’s drinking normally, but we can’t do much to stop it, so tant pis. However, when sitting down for a drink in his outdoor bar, he perches on the slightly drier Caithness flagstone place mat things but trails his tail across the table top where most of the water collects:

    Yuck.

    Tucking his tail around his arse would have helped to keep him dry but, for whatever reason, he didn’t want to do that. None of us can understand the appeal of having any part of one’s body trailing in cold water, but that’s Catorze for you.

    Anyway, that’s one Roi Mystery solved. Only 98,311 to go. 

    Speaking of mysteries: why DOES he love the rain so much?

    For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com