Category: Uncategorized
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Louis Catorze’s cat-cousins, Otis and Roux, have been having the time of their lives in the great outdoors. Otis recently caught his first mouse – or, rather, the first mouse of which we are aware. He brought it upstairs, chased it around whilst his parents slept, then took it back downstairs again. There, he waited…
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Cold, dry and bright days are my favourite kind: no sweat, no rain, and everything outside looks glorious. We were lucky enough to have had such a day last week so, naturellement, we had to ruin it by carrying a screaming cat through the park and paying £124 to be told that there’s nothing wrong…
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What snack would you eat right now? Clearly nothing. Bastard cat. Cat Daddy and I can’t abide food waste. So it really hurts us to be throwing away perfectly edible Orijen – especially as it’s more expensive than cocaine and gold combined – just because a certain little shit doesn’t like the way we’ve served…
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This is the current status for each of us here at Le Château: Me: boiling a kettle in order to serve 0.3ml of boiling water to a cat. Cat Daddy: shouting at me for boiling a kettle for such a minuscule amount of water when there’s a global energy crisis.* Louis Catorze: enjoying his life…
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Louis Catorze’s Broadline has been discontinued. It’s always stressful when this kind of thing happens because, when it comes to complicated cats like him, it’s not quite as simple as just replacing the discontinued item with something else. It’s already happened with his food, and with his bowl (well, ok, that wasn’t discontinued – I…
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Our under-floor heating has malfunctioned again, right in the middle of our cold snap. This meant another visit from Chris the heating engineer, which was good news for Louis Catorze as he loves men. Family members, friends, delivery drivers, tradesmen, random passers-by, trick-or-treating youths … Catorze will happily accept cuddles from any or all of…
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If you had a motorway hoarding, what would it say? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT? If you see him, walk away. Run, if you have to.
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Louis Catorze hasn’t been eating much lately. We had initially put this down the fact that he does nothing all day but, one morning, I came downstairs to feed him and his bowl wasn’t empty. In fact, it was three-quarters full and, judging from what Cat Daddy later said about how much food he’d given…
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Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why? Whilst I can’t claim to see inside Louis Catorze’s mind, I’m fairly certain he can’t fathom the future. And, since he has the memory of a swatted gnat, I don’t suppose he reflects much on the past, either. The little sod is…
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Louis Catorze has barely budged from the living room recently. Every time we wonder whether he’s ill, we check on him and see that he’s perfectly fine. Then it dawned on Cat Daddy that his poor boy is probably taking refuge from the dreaded guitar. Yes, Cat Daddy is still practising for several hours a…
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What is the greatest gift someone could give you? A world without spiders would be utter bliss. Yeah, yeah, I know that they eat flies, and so they’re doing us a favour. Whatever. I used to think I was very lucky to live in a relatively spider-free house; in the eight years that we’ve lived…
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It’s 2024. And, if you’re a believer in starting the New Year in the way in which you intend to go on, I’m not sure what you will make of the fact that my first task of the year was cleaning up three* piles of cat puke. Because one of them was the same colour…
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If you started a sports team, what would the colours and mascot be? Louis Catorze already supports a football team – Sunderland – whose nickname is The Black Cats and whose mascots are, erm, black cats. You can’t get much better than that. However, their online shop sells dog collars but not cat ones, which…
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What could you do less of? (This is terrible English but I’m just going to go with it.) The good thing about being a king is that, if you don’t want to do something, you can always ask one of your underlings to do it for you. These days, it’s far too cold to be…
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