louiscatorze.com
Je crie, donc je suis
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If you had a motorway hoarding, what would it say? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT? If you see him, walk away. Run, if you have to.
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Louis Catorze hasn’t been eating much lately. We had initially put this down the fact that he does nothing all day but, one morning, I came downstairs to feed him and his bowl wasn’t empty. In fact, it was three-quarters full and, judging from what Cat Daddy later said about how much food he’d given…
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Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why? Whilst I can’t claim to see inside Louis Catorze’s mind, I’m fairly certain he can’t fathom the future. And, since he has the memory of a swatted gnat, I don’t suppose he reflects much on the past, either. The little sod is…
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Louis Catorze has barely budged from the living room recently. Every time we wonder whether he’s ill, we check on him and see that he’s perfectly fine. Then it dawned on Cat Daddy that his poor boy is probably taking refuge from the dreaded guitar. Yes, Cat Daddy is still practising for several hours a…
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What is the greatest gift someone could give you? A world without spiders would be utter bliss. Yeah, yeah, I know that they eat flies, and so they’re doing us a favour. Whatever. I used to think I was very lucky to live in a relatively spider-free house; in the eight years that we’ve lived…
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It’s 2024. And, if you’re a believer in starting the New Year in the way in which you intend to go on, I’m not sure what you will make of the fact that my first task of the year was cleaning up three* piles of cat puke. Because one of them was the same colour…
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If you started a sports team, what would the colours and mascot be? Louis Catorze already supports a football team – Sunderland – whose nickname is The Black Cats and whose mascots are, erm, black cats. You can’t get much better than that. However, their online shop sells dog collars but not cat ones, which…
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What could you do less of? (This is terrible English but I’m just going to go with it.) The good thing about being a king is that, if you don’t want to do something, you can always ask one of your underlings to do it for you. These days, it’s far too cold to be…
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We hope you’ve had a lovely few days. Louis Catorze spent much of Christmas Day asleep, waking only to eat and to thrash around in the discarded wrapping paper. We treated him to some Parma ham fat and, after the first piece, the cheeky sod let out an AUDIBLE SCOWL because I wasn’t quick enough…
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I don’t have many memories of childhood Christmas celebrations, but the one thing that stands out is the time when cat shenanigans caused utter chaos. My aunt had just made the brandy butter to accompany our Christmas pudding, not imagining that it would have the slightest cat appeal. She left it unguarded for 0.3 seconds…
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The winter solstice is here. A brand new journey around the sun starts today. Over the last twelve months or so, Louis Catorze has sadly lost some of his (younger) amis: his cat-cousin King Ghidorah left us last December, as did Shadow the black Labrador at the end of April, and Merlyn, the daddy of…
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What skills or lessons have you learned recently? I have learned that my cat can control me with his mind, although that’s not really a recent discovery. And, although certainly skilful on his part, it’s probably the exact opposite for me. We already know that Louis Catorze is the master of creepy staring, eventually making…
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BASTARD CAT. Just as I had finished drafting a blog post about how well-behaved he is with Yule trees, Louis Catorze decided to prove to me that KramPuss the Yuletide demon is no myth. The little sod had been poking around among his presents under the tree, and he somehow managed to wedge this one…
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Do you ever see wild animals? Just when I thought that Louis Catorze had exhausted every possible way to scare the merde out of me, the little sod manages to find more. My phone charger, which sits on my bedside table at night, is one of those ones that looks like a flat disc, with…
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