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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Nov 2025

  • Chez le médecin royal

    Cat Daddy took Louis Catorze for his booster jabs not long ago. The trip there was the usual shit circus, with constant screaming on the journey there and in the waiting room.  The vet was a new one who hadn’t seen Catorze before. When she attempted the injection with Catorze on the table, it didn’t…

  • Les chats dominent le monde 

    What technology would you be better off without, and why? Coincidentally, a week or so before WordPress issued this prompt, my students and I were having a very similar discussion in class. The brief was to name an invention that they would erase from history, although there was a catch: they would also have to…

  • Un repas de fête digne d’un Roi

    Do you or your family make any special dishes for the holidays? *WARNING: DO NOT ALLOW YOUR PETS TO SEE THIS POST.* When Louis Catorze was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism I was determined to be strict with his diet, allowing zero human food, in order to aid his recovery. However, now that he is chubbing up…

  • Un coup de froid

    We have had a few freezing cold days in London. There was even a brief flurry of snow on Thursday but this didn’t settle, due to the ground being too wet, much to my students’ disappointment. Just as the sun is retreating, the cold weather has drawn the mighty Sun King inwards, and the little…

  • Attention aux chats!

    What are your favourite animals? Definitely cats. Oh, wait. Maybe not. Every now and again, I read something which reminds me that, actually, Louis Catorze isn’t the worst cat in the world. You cannot imagine the relief to find out that your cat is only moderately horrendous, as opposed to the absolute worst. A friend…

  • Le champion du monde poids lourds 

    Louis Catorze’s cat-cousins Rodan and Mothra have just been to the vet. It wasn’t the most fun visit, especially for my poor Nephew 1 who was pissed on by Rodan. (Mental note: NEVER travel to the vet with the transportation pod on your knees, unless said pod is made of the same sturdy, impermeable material…

  • Les instincts primaires 

    Do you trust your instincts? Fight, Flight or Freeze. That’s what they say living creatures are programmed to do, isn’t it, when faced with danger? Sadly I don’t think Louis Catorze received the memo; the silly sod wouldn’t know danger if it kicked him up the arse. I have witnessed his Fight, Flight and Freeze…

  • La première impression est la plus forte

    What’s the first impression you want to give people? Well, that rather depends on what cats want at the time. It might be food, or love. Or they might just want to gaslight their humans for fun. On our local neighbourhood Facebook page, people often post to announce that a starving stray cat has just…

  • La musique pour les feux d’artifice royaux 

    Despite not really minding fireworks all these years – in fact, he once moved up the stairs to get a better view through the hallway window – Louis Catorze took exception to the ones that he heard on 5th November. These days, our social media feeds fill up with firework precautionary advice from as early…

  • Clouer ses couleurs au mât (Partie 4)

    Remember Boots and his Chelsea collars? The silly sod never seemed to hold onto them for very long, losing them all around the neighbourhood. He managed to get through around 9,963 of them before the Chelsea Megastore finally ran out.  That said, I’m sure that, if someone had put Chelsea accessories on me, I’d have…

  • Un cœur avec du poil autour

    What is good about having a pet? I was about to answer this by saying, “Having someone love you unconditionally”, but then I remembered that Louis Catorze couldn’t give a shit whether I live or die.  So, erm, never mind. As you were. For more Catorzian capers, please visit http://louiscatorze.com

  • Louis et moi 

    What was your favourite subject in school? It won’t be a surprise to know that I loved French. In my very first vocabulary test (memorising and correctly spelling twenty or so classroom items, such as, erm, the blackboard and the chalk), I scored 100%. Because most students at my school weren’t really the full-marks type,…

  • Le Seigneur Noir nous commande 

    We all know that Louis Catorze uses either creepy staring or screaming when he wants to get his way.  The creepy staring is usually deployed when he’s hungry. Despite being thicker than a concrete milkshake, Catorze knows perfectly well that, eventually, being stared at will make us feel so uncomfortable that we’ll end up dropping…

  • Le lendemain de la veille 

    It’s a horror film trope as old as time: a raging storm on Hallowe’en night, when any right-minded, God-fearing creature would be safely tucked up at home, with the doors locked. This means, of course, that going outside on such a night would be reserved for the following individuals:  Can you see where I’m going…