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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: May 2025

  • Quand il pleut, cherchez les arcs-en-ciel

    Most cats dribble whilst purring. However, with Louis Catorze, because of his protruding fangs which prevent his mouth from fully closing anyway, the problem is much worse. And, when he shakes his head after a massive purring session, it’s like monsoon season in the tropics.  I’ve never had any photographic evidence of this, until now.…

  • La pluie tombe plus fort sur un toit percé

    Cat Daddy checked the weather forecast and saw that it was about to rain, so he started bringing in the cushions from the outdoor sofa. However, Louis Catorze was lounged across two of them. (He’s a tiny cat so he fits perfectly well on one, but he always lies across two.)  Me: “You can’t dislodge…

  • La photographie fige un instant dans le temps

    What are you good at? Cat Daddy is a master at both photography and being a massive hypocrite: he has just typed “cat” into his iPhone photo library, and there were 2,615 results.  Oui, Mesdames et Messieurs: the person who ridicules me for being obsessed with cats is almost as bad as me (I had…

  • Clouer ses couleurs au mât (Partie 3)

    What personal belongings do you hold most dear? If you were to ask Boots, I bet he wouldn’t say “collars”. Anyone who knows about cats will, most likely, know about the Cat Distribution System. This is the idea that, when the planets are aligned in a particular way, the universe will send you a cat.…

  • Un nouveau mode de vie (Partie 6) 

    Miraculously, Louis Catorze has not scratched his wound and it’s healing nicely. I don’t know whether this means the stars are aligned in some magical way or the apocalypse is just around the corner but, frankly, I’d even take the latter if it meant not having to Cône him anymore.  His eye area, although no…

  • L’équilibre travail-vie personnelle 

    How do you balance work and home life? Luckily my work as a secondary school teacher acts as respite from being bullied/gaslit at home by a psychotic black cat. Were it not for being able to escape a few days a week and spend time with angst-ridden teenagers, I’d probably be sectioned or dead.  For…

  • Clouer ses couleurs au mât (Partie 2)

    The votes have been verified and counted, and I can now reveal that there is a tie for the choice of Boots’ new collar:  I know that the above chart shows the St George’s Cross to be the winner. However, I took this screen shot before I set the poll to “one vote per computer”,…

  • Le départ du Cône 

    Our plan to keep Louis Catorze Côned for twenty-four hours hit a slight bump in the road when Cat Daddy and I realised that we would both be out of the house all day on Wednesday.  Catorze is fearless, even when Côned, and has no hesitation in doing all the things guaranteed to kill him…

  • Le retour du Cône

    I’m starting to wonder whether we should just give black cats one Cône to share between them because, as soon as one of them stops needing it, a different one does something stupid. If it’s not one, it’s another. Bastards, the lot of them.  Cat Daddy and I went away on Friday, to different places,…

  • Vivre la vie folle

    What does freedom mean to you? Maybe Rodan would like to answer this? Or Louis Catorze? Or any cat who has had to spend time in Le dreaded Cône? After healing up nicely since sustaining injuries from a fight, Rodan was released from Le Cône. However, immediately upon release, the silly sod scratched himself up…

  • L’intelligence artificielle ne fait pas de poids à la stupidité naturelle

    With which public figure do you disagree the most? Much as it pains me to claim that I know better than an eminent scientist, I don’t share Stephen Hawking’s view that Artificial Intelligence could pose a threat to us. Not long ago, when we were watching television, Louis Catorze stepped on the smart remote’s microphone…

  • D’où venait-il? Que signifiait-il? Où l’appréhender?

    What was the last live performance you saw? It’s funny you should ask, WordPress, because it took place just last night. And what a performance it was.  In the same way that nature abhors a vacuum, Louis Catorze cannot abide a closed door. Cat Daddy had an online meeting yesterday evening, with a local business…

  • Un nouveau mode de vie (Partie 5)

    My Catorzian thyroid-medicating skills have improved. And by “improved” I mean I’m about 0.03% less shit than I was when I did the first one.  Applying ear gel to a cat who doesn’t want ear gel is no mean feat, nor is it the kind of thing you can just do when the moment takes…

  • La Quinceañera del Rey Sol (Parte 2) 

    It’s Bank Holiday Monday, and we are still basking in the afterglow of Louis Catorze’s Quinceañera (which Cat Daddy keeps pronouncing as “quince-a-rama”, like Bananarama but with, erm, a quince instead of a banana).  The final guest list was as follows: *That Neighbour is so called because he is always the one who ends up…