louiscatorze.com

Je crie, donc je suis

recent posts

about

Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Jan 2024

  • Un rendez-vous avec la gouvernante

    Louis Catorze’s three main bêtes noires are as follows: 1. The guitar. 2. The vacuum cleaner (although he’s more offended than scared by this, and he screams at whoever is using it to shut up). 3. The pestle and mortar (again, insulting rather than frightening). The little sod was subjected to the third one at…

  • Ni manger, ni vivre

    If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Hot-smoked salmon. I’m not joking. We have had a trying few days here at Le Château. Since The Great Salmon Grab, every time I headed for the kitchen, Louis Catorze would pitter-patter after me and sit expectantly by his bowl, hoping beyond hope that some hot-smoked…

  • La lecture nourrit l’âme

    What books do you want to read? I want Louis Catorze to finish reading this one. He’s only read half of it so far.

  • Le roi pêcheur

    What is your favourite animal? Not cats. Not anymore. Not after this. Bastard cat. I’m going to put him in an Uber and send him to someone’s house. I don’t know whose house. I don’t care whose house. It could be yours, so watch out. I came home on Wednesday night absolutely exhausted from work,…

  • Le vieux chasseur

    Louis Catorze’s cat-cousins, Otis and Roux, have been having the time of their lives in the great outdoors. Otis recently caught his first mouse – or, rather, the first mouse of which we are aware. He brought it upstairs, chased it around whilst his parents slept, then took it back downstairs again. There, he waited…

  • Parler sans rien dire

    Cold, dry and bright days are my favourite kind: no sweat, no rain, and everything outside looks glorious. We were lucky enough to have had such a day last week so, naturellement, we had to ruin it by carrying a screaming cat through the park and paying £124 to be told that there’s nothing wrong…

  • Manger pour vivre

    What snack would you eat right now? Clearly nothing. Bastard cat. Cat Daddy and I can’t abide food waste. So it really hurts us to be throwing away perfectly edible Orijen – especially as it’s more expensive than cocaine and gold combined – just because a certain little shit doesn’t like the way we’ve served…

  • Garni de l’eau chaude

    This is the current status for each of us here at Le Château: Me: boiling a kettle in order to serve 0.3ml of boiling water to a cat. Cat Daddy: shouting at me for boiling a kettle for such a minuscule amount of water when there’s a global energy crisis.* Louis Catorze: enjoying his life…

  • Même d’un bon chat, on attrape des puces

    Louis Catorze’s Broadline has been discontinued. It’s always stressful when this kind of thing happens because, when it comes to complicated cats like him, it’s not quite as simple as just replacing the discontinued item with something else. It’s already happened with his food, and with his bowl (well, ok, that wasn’t discontinued – I…

  • Les diodes lumineuses

    Our under-floor heating has malfunctioned again, right in the middle of our cold snap. This meant another visit from Chris the heating engineer, which was good news for Louis Catorze as he loves men. Family members, friends, delivery drivers, tradesmen, random passers-by, trick-or-treating youths … Catorze will happily accept cuddles from any or all of…

  • N’importe quelle publicité est une bonne publicité

    If you had a motorway hoarding, what would it say? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT? If you see him, walk away. Run, if you have to.

  • La nourriture qui réchauffe

    Louis Catorze hasn’t been eating much lately. We had initially put this down the fact that he does nothing all day but, one morning, I came downstairs to feed him and his bowl wasn’t empty. In fact, it was three-quarters full and, judging from what Cat Daddy later said about how much food he’d given…

  • Rien n’a plus de valeur qu’aujourd’hui

    Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why? Whilst I can’t claim to see inside Louis Catorze’s mind, I’m fairly certain he can’t fathom the future. And, since he has the memory of a swatted gnat, I don’t suppose he reflects much on the past, either. The little sod is…

  • Entre le diable et la mer bleue profonde

    Louis Catorze has barely budged from the living room recently. Every time we wonder whether he’s ill, we check on him and see that he’s perfectly fine. Then it dawned on Cat Daddy that his poor boy is probably taking refuge from the dreaded guitar. Yes, Cat Daddy is still practising for several hours a…