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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Dec 2023

  • Purry Saint-Germeow

    If you started a sports team, what would the colours and mascot be? Louis Catorze already supports a football team – Sunderland – whose nickname is The Black Cats and whose mascots are, erm, black cats. You can’t get much better than that. However, their online shop sells dog collars but not cat ones, which…

  • L’armée féline

    What could you do less of? (This is terrible English but I’m just going to go with it.) The good thing about being a king is that, if you don’t want to do something, you can always ask one of your underlings to do it for you. These days, it’s far too cold to be…

  • La vie au grand air

    We hope you’ve had a lovely few days. Louis Catorze spent much of Christmas Day asleep, waking only to eat and to thrash around in the discarded wrapping paper. We treated him to some Parma ham fat and, after the first piece, the cheeky sod let out an AUDIBLE SCOWL because I wasn’t quick enough…

  • Noël, que du bonheur

    I don’t have many memories of childhood Christmas celebrations, but the one thing that stands out is the time when cat shenanigans caused utter chaos. My aunt had just made the brandy butter to accompany our Christmas pudding, not imagining that it would have the slightest cat appeal. She left it unguarded for 0.3 seconds…

  • À l’aube d’une nouvelle année

    The winter solstice is here. A brand new journey around the sun starts today. Over the last twelve months or so, Louis Catorze has sadly lost some of his (younger) amis: his cat-cousin King Ghidorah left us last December, as did Shadow the black Labrador at the end of April, and Merlyn, the daddy of…

  • À genoux devant Le Roi (Partie 2)

    What skills or lessons have you learned recently? I have learned that my cat can control me with his mind, although that’s not really a recent discovery. And, although certainly skilful on his part, it’s probably the exact opposite for me. We already know that Louis Catorze is the master of creepy staring, eventually making…

  • Il est ici pour gâcher la fête

    BASTARD CAT. Just as I had finished drafting a blog post about how well-behaved he is with Yule trees, Louis Catorze decided to prove to me that KramPuss the Yuletide demon is no myth. The little sod had been poking around among his presents under the tree, and he somehow managed to wedge this one…

  • La panthère rode la nuit

    Do you ever see wild animals? Just when I thought that Louis Catorze had exhausted every possible way to scare the merde out of me, the little sod manages to find more. My phone charger, which sits on my bedside table at night, is one of those ones that looks like a flat disc, with…

  • Nosferatooth: a symphony of horror

    The first thing that I did upon finding out that Louis Catorze had chipped one of his fangs, was spend ages looking through photos to try to ascertain when it could have happened. However, his fangs can look absolutely massive, utterly invisible and everything in between, depending on the light and the angle, so it’s…

  • Une température hivernale

    What are your two favourite things to wear? A thick jumper and a fluffy blanket. I’m not joking. This is something of a middle-class problem, but the under-floor heating in our kitchen has broken and the place is freezing. Cat Daddy and I prepare meals at lightning speed and then race into the living room…

  • Un mauvais œuf

    Oh. Mon. Dieu. Louis Catorze has just eaten two tiny fragments of crisps. And they weren’t just normal crisps. They were fried egg-flavoured crisps. I know. I know exactly what you’re thinking: 1. Yes, fried egg-flavoured crisps are a thing (and, unbelievably, they are delicious). 2. Catorze doesn’t eat human food (or so we thought).…

  • Le froid est un état d’esprit

    What’s your favourite month of the year? Why? October, October, October, morning, noon and night. But, since Le Blog is already quite October-centric, I thought I’d make a change and write about December, which is my second favourite. I love the frost, the dark mornings, the Yuletide decorations, the snow-set horror films, the seasonal ghost…

  • Les neuf vies du chat

    Nothing says “The joys of the Yuletide season” quite like a trip to the vet. On Friday I had to take Louis Catorze for his steroid shot and, astonishingly, there was bone-chilling silence on the walk there. It was quite the departure from his usual gut-wrenching screaming, especially that one time when he screamed so…

  • Des amis pour faire la fête, on en trouve des milliers

    It’s 1st December or, as I like to call it, the first day of Psychological Winter. Although we are very much a nature-minded household – well, it’s hard not to be when we live with a black vampire cat who informs us via his naughty behaviour when there’s a Bad Moon Rising – the date…