What is good about having a pet?
It might not be the best time for me to answer this prompt, since we have just returned home from taking Louis Catorze for his booster vaccination. If you have ever had to take an animal to a vet, you will know just how dire it can be: a fight to the death to shove a screaming hell-beast into a transportation vessel, more gladiatorial combat during the appointment itself, receiving news ranging from a bit shit to utterly heartbreaking, and having to hand over a ruinous sum of money at the end. It’s pretty grim.
Fortunately for us, our news today was only at the “a bit shit” end of the spectrum. After cooing and squeeing at how small Catorze is, and talking to him in her cat lady voice, the vet (who hadn’t met him before) checked his heart and told us that he had a heart murmur. “A very obvious one”, apparently.
The symptoms of a heart murmur could be any of the following*:
• Chronic weight loss or muscle wasting
• Decreased appetite
• Hiding behaviour
• Weakness
• Coughing or wheezing
• Exercise intolerance: panting with mild exertion
• Increased respiratory rate at rest
• Increased effort to breathe, open mouth breathing, abdominal push to exhale, dyssynchronous breathing (I had to Google “dyssynchronous” because that spelling didn’t, and still doesn’t, look right), or outstretched neck
• Fluid from mouth or nostrils
• Change in the colour of the gums to blue, grey or white
• Lethargy
• Collapse
• Paralysis of the hind limbs
• Painful vocalisation
Catorze has never shown any of these. (Well, his vocalisation is often painful for those who are forced to listen to it, but I don’t suppose that’s what they mean here.)
The appointment cost us £72, which comes hot on the heels of the £63.92 that we paid a few days ago for his 8-weekly subscription of the most expensive cat food on the planet. At the end of the month, his £80 steroid shot is due. And, if we want to find out exactly how bad the heart murmur is, we have the option of a £500 scan.
People have been asking us how Catorze is, and our answer is the same as ever: full of beans and loving life. He doesn’t know that he has a heart murmur and, even if he did, he wouldn’t give even the faintest hint of a shite.
*I am not a medical practitioner. If you think your cat might have a heart murmur, or even if you’re not sure and think they may just be milking it for attention, don’t be guided by what I’ve said here. Please consult an actual vet.
louiscatorze.com 
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