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Je crie, donc je suis

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Sa Majesté Louis Catorze, Le Roi Soleil, supreme ruler of Le Château, sworn enemy of canine foe and scourge of Ocado delivery drivers.

Month: Jun 2023

  • Les grands mystères de l’histoire

    This week, we have been mostly dealing with this kind of caper: In other news, I don’t know whether it’s a Weird Moon, whether the planets have aligned themselves in some unique way, never up be repeated again, or perhaps some other mystical force is at work here? But we appear to have solved a…

  • Suis-moi, tout va bien

    In the U.K. last week, a person (who remains unknown, but I would bet Le Château on them being male) called the police to report that they were being followed by a cat. The story went viral in the media, leading the police to remind us, “Think before you dial”. Despite being a nation of…

  • Un chat sans nom

    One of my international students, R, has lots of cats back home in Cyprus. Two of them are called, erm, Fluffy and Hitler. But the others don’t have names, nor is he even sure of how many there are. My mind is utterly blown at the thought of naming some cats but not others, and…

  • C’est l’été, et la vie n’est pas facile …

    What is your favourite season of year? Why? It’s the summer solstice and, despite that we often refer to this time of year as Midsummer, it’s really the START of astrological (or maybe astronomical?) summer. I am firmly an autumn person, but Louis Catorze LOVES the summer – well, he is the Sun King, so…

  • Le Roi des Cerceaux?

    The football fixtures for the next season were announced last Thursday. I had been looking forward to that day for weeks and was up early, sitting eagerly with my phone. (They don’t release the dates until 9am so I know that it’s a waste of time expecting anything to happen before then, but such was…

  • Nous devons nous échapper d’ici

    Describe one simple thing you do that brings joy to your life. We’re finding them anything but simple, but Cat Daddy and I are enjoying our guitar lessons and, happily, there have been no further Code Brun incidents. We have lost all sensation in our left hands, but at least we are now 0.1% less…

  • Les soins infirmiers

    I found Louis Catorze’s mouse on the afternoon of that incident. Luckily I didn’t have to search under the bed because, erm, the flies very helpfully guided me to where I needed to look. And it had no head, which either means that he has a taste for them (ugh) or I need to start…

  • La souris sous la lune

    I am prepared to cut Louis Catorze some slack when it’s a full moon; there’s no way that a black vampire cat CANNOT be affected by it so, sometimes, maybe he just can’t help it (whatever “it” may be). However, when the moon is in its NEW* phase, it’s more difficult. *This is not a…

  • Appuie sur le bouton

    Who would you like to talk to soon? If you have a spare 729 hours, type “Fluent Pet Buttons” into YouTube. (Merci, Raven. This is all your fault.) If you are sensible and daren’t do this, don’t worry; reading this post will give you enough information whilst also saving you from the abyss. (I am…

  • La poussière cosmique (Partie 2)

    After a week or so of assaulting Louis Catorze with hands covered in coconut oil – which he really didn’t like – his fur was 88% greasier than before, and the dandruff was 0.01% better. However, when I gave him his spot-on treatment, things miraculously improved. A friend told me that her cats had a…

  • La police de la censure

    How do you know when it’s time to unplug? What do you do to make it happen? Unplug what? My internet router? Well, this incident brought me pretty close: On Saturday I received a yellow card from the Facebook Gestapo for a comment that contravened The Rules by “inciting violence”. They were referring to my…

  • Esse est percipi

    If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Similarly, if Orijen is placed in a cat’s bowl and he is not around to witness the serving, does the food even exist? Having given this question the lengthy consideration that it deserves, Louis Catorze says…

  • La poussière cosmique

    Do you have any collections? Louis Catorze’s fur collects everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, whether animal, vegetable or mineral. Part of the appeal of black cats is that their fur supposedly doesn’t show up the dirt in the same way that white cats’ fur does, but Catorze’s coat attracts crud just as a magnet attracts…