louiscatorze.com
Je crie, donc je suis
Category: Uncategorized
-
We are still reeling from the vet’s revelation that Louis Catorze has resorted to eating his own body parts because he’s so bored. Cat Daddy, in particular, has taken it quite badly. “I don’t have a problem with being called boring,” he said, “but … too boring for him? FOR HIM? He’s the dullest cat…
-
It seems I have written a new instruction manual on how to be the worst person on the face of the planet. It goes something like this: 1. If your cat chases his tail, laugh at him. 2. If he keeps doing it, laugh some more. 3. If he does it for several hours through…
-
Louis Catorze has decided that one nemesis isn’t enough and so, now, he has a second. In addition to his well-documented war on Oscar the dog next door, relations with Kiki the bichon frisé* have somehow gone from non-existent to merde totale. Kiki lives several doors down the street from us and Louis Catorze wouldn’t…
-
Another day, another darned mouse, this time delivered to our bedroom, undead and twitching. But, fortunately for me, by the time I had gone to fetch a plastic bag and come back again, Le Bon Dieu had had the grace to take its poor soul to mouse heaven. Because we had to dash straight out…
-
Someone appears to have stolen Louis Catorze – quite why anyone would do this is beyond me – and replaced him with a similar-looking changeling cat who actually likes food. For the first time EVER, this morning he pulled the Second Breakfast trick on Cat Daddy, who fell for it completely. When I got home…
-
Please, someone, save us from this psycho nutjob. (No, not the new President Elect, but Le Roi.) For the past few days he has been screaming, racing around the house, attacking us as we sleep and generally driving us round the bend. I can only assume this is due to the approaching full moon, because…
-
On this historic day, Louis Catorze is thinking of his American subjects. (Don’t ask me how but, yes, it is possible to be a U.S. citizen and also the subject of a French feline king.) However, having studied the credentials of the two presidential candidates, he cannot help but find them lacking in certain areas,…
-
I am delighted to report that Louis Catorze only escaped once on Halloween night, and that we all survived (apart from the large mouse that he brought in and terrorised the next day). But, although it’s all over for another year, the scares continue in the form of his creepy kitty sixth sense, disproving our…
-
As Halloween approaches, cat freaks the world over debate that all-important question: should we keep our usually-outdoor cats under house arrest on the night of the 31st? My responses are as follows: do you trust your neighbourhood and its residents? And do you trust your cat? We are lucky enough to be able to give…
-
Whilst most people spend their birthday morning having champagne in bed, I spent mine reading the instructions of 2 different medications, preparing them and then delivering them to a struggling, kicking bastard of a cat. And, to add to the pressure, we had guests so it was all performed in front of a live audience.…
-
How to make your cat sick: brag to all your friends about how well he is. Sod’s Law – or, in this case, Little Sod’s Law – decrees that all will turn to merde after that. Tomorrow is my birthday, and my family had arranged to come over today for a 2pm birthday lunch at…
-
Oh my goodness: Louis Catorze has burnt himself. I have no idea where – I checked him over to the best of my ability, dodging the kicks like an Olympic Tae Kwon Do champion, to find no singed fur or skin – but he came indoors a couple of nights ago in a cloud of…
-
Le royal wine glass is no more. Cat Daddy kicked it over last week, smashing it to pieces and dismissing his accident with the words, “Well, we’ve all done it.” (No, we have not. Absolutely nobody else has done it, ever. Only Cat Daddy.) Anyway, this left us with the onerous task of finding an…
louiscatorze.com 