Le foot rentre chez nous

The Euro 2016 football tournament, which is held in Le Roi’s fatherland this year, starts today with France v Romania. Louis Catorze could not be more excited. He’s not showing it on the outside, but we know he feels it in his heart and that he’s hoping Les Bleus will bring it home.

In honour of this magnificent event, we decided to see whether Louis Catorze’s powers of perception were as finely-tuned as those of his brother, Luther, who, at the last World Cup, correctly predicted the result of England’s opening game by hoofing down the Italian bresaola and not even acknowledging the English Cumberland sausage.

Obviously this was going to be more of a challenge with a cat who doesn’t like food. So, with Napoléon as the face of France and UKIP’s Nigel Farage dutifully representing the Romanians (as a gesture of goodwill following his unkind remarks about them), we put Louis Catorze to the test with a very special occasion Dreamie atop a pile of Arcana Pacifica. The first to be eaten would be the winner of the opening game.

(And no, he’s not usually allowed Dreamies, ever. But, just this once, we thought we’d faire les choses en grand.)

So this is how things went:

1. No reaction whatsoever for several minutes
2. My video fails due to not enough space on my phone (too many cat photos)
3. Brief interest in the French plate, which Cat Daddy captures on his phone
4. His recording fails too (although he won’t say what’s taking up the space on his phone)
5. OFF CAMERA, THE ROMANIAN DREAMIE IS EATEN; THE FRENCH ONE STILL REMAINS UNTOUCHED AT THE TIME OF POSTING

We are in shock: this is not at all what we wanted or expected and we don’t quite know what to do with ourselves now.

Louis Catorze is sunning himself on the patio and couldn’t give a shit.

On a 1 an!

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Le Blog is a year old today: bon anniversaire à nous! And what better birthday gift than to reach the landmark figure of 100 followers?

Although it may look as if we snared most of them by beaming Le Roi’s sinister face to an unsuspecting theatre audience & creepily commanding them to follow him, in actual fact this picture of him was part of some local school kids’ animal welfare community project. The 100 followers are thanks to all of you lovely people for spreading the word of the Sun King.

Not only is this great news for Louis Catorze’s favourite animal charities – one of whom featured in the kids’ project – as he will double the donation that he made to them on his birthday, but it’s also great news for the little sod himself, as every new reader means he is potentially another step closer to finding a cure for his problems.

MERCI to everyone who has read, signed up or shared: it really does mean a lot to us, and having 100 followers is beyond our wildest dreams. Now, dare we hope for 200? Could there possibly be another 100 people out there who might enjoy reading about a spoilt, itchy French cat who doesn’t do much?

Les fleurs du mal

Our plans to buffer Le Château’s perimeters have hit a bit of an obstacle: the patch where we had intended to plant the prickly shrub consists of just a few inches of soil on a base of solid concrete, plus it’s curiously boxed in by a mini-wall of concrete. Planting anything substantial there just won’t work so, for the moment, it’s become the new home for our mint plant, which was starting to stifle our other herbs faster than Louis Catorze could eat it and puke it up.

And, just as we set up our outdoor furniture, the weather turns to merde. Typical. Luckily this hasn’t prevented us from enjoying a few snatched moments of almost-warmth outdoors, wrapped up in jumpers and blankets and with Louis Catorze pitter-pattering around us. But, yesterday evening, in the half-light, we caught sight of his stupid little silhouette flicking an object around, diving onto it, then holding it with his front paws and doing that really fast bicycle-kick with his back ones.

The thing, whatever it was, was motionless. But, as we focused our eyes around the garden, more and more of them – also motionless – came into view in the flowerbeds. It was like that internet meme: “The harder you stare, the more zombies appear.” Saint Jésus. We had a massacre on our hands.

“What ARE they?” asked Cat Daddy. There must have been ten, fifteen, maybe more, of these rodent-shaped lumps strewn around our garden, and we were not looking forward to attempting to identify them. Mice = not great. Rats = worse. The pet hamsters of various neighbours = sell up, move house and don’t leave a forwarding address.

After several minutes of procrastinating, we took a deep breath and switched on the main outside light.

And so it was revealed that our dear little boy is the mass killer of …

… [drum roll and fanfare] …

… the dead heads of camellia flowers.

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Ok, so the object in the photo looks far more like a flower head than a dead rodent but, when you’re a couple of glasses of Cava under and in semi-darkness, it’s an easy mistake to make.

Phew. So Louis Catorze isn’t in the dog house after all. It still doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten MouseGate or SlugGate, though.